Bonsignore Citizens Brigade: Devils @ Oilers

See what happens? I come home from Asia and the Oilers win the first game I attend. So basically, I'm taking all the blame for the shit season they're having. How selfless of me.


Tonight the Devils are in town, and unfortunately (or fortunately) I'm predicting a loss for the Oilers on this one. The Devils have a good team, and the Oilers... not so much.

Even though they won against the Wild a couple nights ago, I can't see them beating the Devils tonight. Regardless, we'll bitch about the game together. And if the game is boring, we'll talk about blowies, whores and drunken tails of triumph or heartache.

Devils win tonight brings us closer to our first overall pick. Beautiful.

-baggedmilk

Bonsignore Citizens Brigade: Wild At Oilers

Wake me up when it's draft day. Or if the Caps and Pens meet in the playoffs.

It's Friday night, the Oilers are still by far the worst team in the NHL, and getting worse by the day (get well soon Ladi) and this game is on Pay Per View. Unless you made the horrible error in judgement and paid for the PPV package in advance and you feel the need to get your money's worth, then there are far better things for all of us to do on this Friday night. Fuck sitting in the dark and staring at the ceiling is a better use of your time.


I've officially lost all interest in Oilers hockey for the rest of the year. Trying to get back to the grind after those amazing two weeks during the Olympics is far harder than I ever thought it was going to be. I barely watched the last game against the Hawks. It was on, and I heard bits and pieces of it, but I pretty much only saw the replays. And besides it was WAY more fun talking about porn on Oilers Nation. If you guys weren't there you missed a hell of a party.

The only thing worth watching tonight is Ryan Whitney in his debut wearing the cooper and blue. I don't think we'll have enough time to fully evaluate him with what little games remain in the season, but it will hopefully give us a bit of an indication on weather or not he's mediocre, soft, and basically just a taller version of Tom Gilbert, or if he may actually turn into a valuable piece of this team for the next 4 years. I'm going to hold out my judgement until at least game 80, as to hopefully avoid jumping the gun and embarrassing myself by leaning too much toward one side (see O'Sullivan, Patrick). Oh and I guess some guy who looks like a less cavemanish version of Stortini and some defenseman named Johnson who used to play for some kind of douchebag squad who's name is escaping me right now are also getting in on the action tonight.

It's Friday night. Go out and have some fun. The Oilers loss will be there waiting for you tomorrow morning as you sit down to eat your greasy hangover remedy breakfast. Best. Season. Ever.

Apparently baggedmilk will be at the game tonight, so if you're going to be in attendance and you see a really loud, obnoxious guy who sounds like a 12 year old boy, throw something at him.

jeanshorts prediction: Wild 4 - Oilers 1.

TylerSeguin

IQWT

-jeanshorts

A weekend in Banff

I decided to take the wife to Banff for a nice little romantic weekend. Yeah I’m fucking Ballin’ like that. We don’t get to do this sort of thing nearly enough so I was extremely excited about the chance to get nice and romantic and really set her loins a blaze.

The trip down was nice. We rented a car at the Calgary airport and made a beeline for Banff. For a guy that is used to white knuckling highway 63 regularly, the drive from Calgary to Banff is a welcome treat. Nice scenery and two lanes all the way. Gorgeous.



We arrived at the hotel and immediately we have our doors opened by the “door men.” They take our bags out of the car and tell us that they will have them brought up to the room. This is pretty sweet but it puts me in an awkward position. Am I supposed to tip these guys? They inform me that it is going to cost me $33 for valet or $25 to park it myself down the street. Again, I’m ballin’ like that so valet it is. One guy takes the keys and I accidentally make eye contact with him and we share that awkward pause. I know what he wants and I know I’m not going to give it to him. As my wife and I are walking to the room we discuss the issue. Perhaps I’m not as ballin’ as I thought because we have zero fucking clues as to what the proper tipping etiquette is in this situation. After we check in, we run into the guys dropping our bags off in the room. Again, an awkward pause. This time they focus on my wife looking for some sympathy. She’s cheap as hell so no cash for them.



We got ourselves ready for a night on the town and decided to walk into town from the hotel. We wandered up and down the street, looking for the right place to eat but by the time we decided, everything was closing. Thank fuck for 24hr McDonalds. They have a little lounge area there and we sat down and watched some Olympic curling while we chowed down on our fancy feast. We called it a fairly early night because we wanted to get an early start on the hill in the morning.



We decided to hit Lake Louise the first day. We caught the shuttle from the hotel and arrived at the hill at 9:30. The weather was amazing. It was 15 degrees out in the sun, a perfect day for snowboarding. Now I’m no expert boarder or anything but I can handle myself just fine. The wife on the other hand, well she is a certified ski instructor. She is a very skilled skier so I made sure she went snowboarding! Ha there is something really emasculating about your woman being better at something athletically than you are. And she is good. Not so much on the Snow board though. I mean, she is technically sound and has zero problem carving but she is a thinker. I think I mentioned before but this girl is in a different class than me intellectually. Scholarship/top of the class/degree with honours having type shit so her brain is always in over-drive. She psyches herself out of it. She gets too paranoid and it really holds her back, which causes her to fall a lot. Now I may not be as intellectually gifted as her but I have a clue about a few things. I know the surest way to make your brain stop that pain in the ass thing known as “thinking.”

ALCOHOL!!!! Most of you know that I tend to enjoy the bottle from time to time but my wife isn’t what you would call “in my league.” After a few runs I notice the sweet Kokanee bar at the bottom of the hill and suggest we have a couple of drinks to loosen her up a bit. I tell her that it’s not like we have to get drunk but it will help her relax a little bit. She was surprisingly very open to the suggestion.



At 11:00 in the morning, my wife and I are sitting at a bar on the side of a mountain in the gorgeous sun. Me with two pints of the goodness in my hands and one on the table in front of me and her with two glasses of wine. It was perfect. After she downed the first one I could sense the nerves in her starting to loosen up. By the time she finished the second one she was ready to party. We headed up the hill and had a good laugh between us. I love it when she has a coupe of drinks. She is hilarious. We strapped on the boards and pressed play on the iPods and away we went. Do you remember in Bill and Ted’s bogus journey where they need to learn how to play guitar so they go back in time and go through six months of intense guitar training and come back with the ZZ-Topp style beards? It was like my wife did that, minus the beard. Haha…. Beard.



She was rocking down the hill and I could see she was having so much fun because she was singing and dancing a little as she was carving up the slope. She wasn’t drunk at all but just a couple had loosened her up. It was great. I fucking love alcohol.



We finished up the day and decided to go out for dinner back in Banff. This was the night of the first Canada-USA game so I wanted to go somewhere where I could see the game. We decided on Tony Roma’s but when we got there the lounge was completely full so there was no way to see the game. We decided that we would stay at the restaurant even though I could not see the game. I could have scored myself some sweet brownie points for this if it wasn’t for the fact that I was being a whiny bitch about it. I was wearing my Canada jersey but I took it off because I didn’t want to look like a loser not watching the game. I wish I had been totally cool with it because as you all know, Canada got spanked and I ended up losing one of those “he is the greatest! He would do ANYTHING for me!” type moments. Oh well fuck it! It was the Olympics.

The next day we were supposed to hit sunshine but we were feeling really lazy so we decided to switch our spa day. I had been feeling crappy when I went to bed. My stomach was rotting and I had a headache. When I woke up, the feeling was still there so we stayed in bed and ordered room service. It was sweet to just laze around naked and relax. I started to feel a little better so we headed to our romantic spa appointment at 1:30.



It started off with a 90-minute couples massage. My stomach was still feeling horrible like I had to shit something fierce but try as I might, it wouldn’t go away. I thought I might be getting some sort of food poisoning. That sucks balls.

Here is the scene. A dimly lit room with two massage tables and some sort of Tibetan trance music. My wife and I are lying naked on our respective tables underneath a blanket. Our masseuses (both girls) came in and started doing their thing. They start with you on your stomach and work on your back. Again, this is a 90-minute massage and they really make you relax. The girl I had was a magician. Her hands felt like 1000 angels touching my body. I could feel the tension in me slipping away. I could also feel that tension in my stomach shifting. It was like she knocked loose a blockage in my stomach and things started moving. This was about 10 minutes into the massage.

I knew I was going to have to shit and I knew it was going to be bad. I wanted it out so badly because it was making me feel horrible, but I also knew that there was no way I could interrupt this massage and do it subtly. The tiny little bathroom was three feet away from my wife. I couldn’t bare the thought of interrupting her massage with the sounds of my scutter-bum echoing through the door. Side note: I don’t fart in front of my wife. Never have. It’s not that I am trying to stay sexy for her on anything. It’s just that I don’t want her to fart in front of me. I hate that shit.

So there I lay and the masseuse is starting to work on my legs. She starts on the upper thighs and ass. She is really working my ass well here. Have you ever been fucking a chick and grabbed her ass and she lets a tiny little fart out? I have! All I am thinking about is keeping inside what I know is trying desperately to get out. Again, she is really working my ass here. It feels great but I’m way too tense. She even pauses to ask if it hurts because I keep flinching. “I’m good!” I lie.



Another issue happening is arousal. I can’t help it. When I get a massage it turns me on. I’m lying on my stomach and I have my dick tucked down between my legs. This chick has my blanket pulled to the side and I know she can see my junk. I’m thinking that all she can see are my nuts back there so I do a casual adjustment to lessen the nut view and make sure that there is some shaft to “accidentally” gaze upon. There is a battle in my head going on. Keeping the greasy fart inside but making sure that she can see what I’m all about, so to speak. I’m pretty sure she caught on to my game though because she stopped working my thigh and ass and went to my feet. On the way back up she pretty much skipped my other thigh, just stopping quick enough to apply some oil and went straight to the arms. It was a bittersweet feeling because I was loving the ass/thigh treatment but I knew I had escaped a horrifying ordeal.



I was in agony by the time the 90 minutes were up. I could feel the air gurgling around through my bowels but I kept it together. After the massages were over, we were supposed to head to the pools together. I told my wife that I’d meet her in the sauna in five minutes. I made my way to the locker room and found the nearest toilette. I went to sit down and when my ass touched the seat I was expecting it to stop. I forgot that the masseuse just finished covering my body in oil. I slid right down through the seat like a wet bar of soap in the shower. My balls were practically touching the water but the movement had already started. Normally I like to spread as far as I can to minimize the contact on the way out for cleanliness purposes but this time it was like sticking your thumb over the top of a hose. My ass was pinched shut and the explosion happened. Spray EVERYWHERE! It was such a relieving feeling to finally be free of the beast within, but there was no chance of being able to wipe clean. My nut bag felt like a strawberry at a chocolate fountain. I didn’t even attempt a cleaning. I managed to pull myself free of the confines of the seat, grabbed my robe and waddled the 30 feet across the change room, holding the robe tight between my legs, past the dudes who obviously knew what was up and to the shower where I was able to hose off. I feel sorry for the cleaning lady that found my nice fluffy white robe in the bin.



I finally showed up to the pool where my wife was waiting and I made up some bullshit story about running into some guy I knew and having a chat. She bought it because she was telling me the same thing. She said she ran into one of her teacher friends but all I could picture was here going through the same ordeal as me.

Needless to say, by the end of the day I was feeling like a champ. We went out for dinner that night and hit Sunshine for the final day. This time we stopped for a few drinks before we even hit the slopes. Everything was going great until her buzz started to wear off, at noon! So we downed a few more drinks and she was feeling great again. The day was rolling along great. Warm weather and sun again and a hill that wasn’t too crowded. I think she had a little too much to drink though because on the last run she bit it hard and wretched her shoulder pretty bad. It’s a very fine line between loosened up with a buzz and being drunk. It really sucks seeing your lady in pain but she handled it like a real trooper.



That was the end of our little romantic weekend. Aside from the wipe out and the shit storm it was pretty much a full-blown success. There is nothing a like a weekend of vacation sex to spark a relationship. And a weekend of snowboarding really does wonders for a woman’s ass. Mmm Mmm Mmm. I love my girl so much and I love that after all these years I still love banging the ass off her!

Movies You Should Watch That You've Never Heard Of: Vol.1

I fucking love movies. There's no two ways around it. I used to get in trouble when I was 6 years old because all I would ever watch was Super Channel, and my parents 1) didn't really think I should be watching some of the movies that would come on there, naturally and 2) well actually it's probably 90% number 1, but I'm sure they also thought it was kind of weird that a 6 year old boy wanted to watch Flatliners when I should have been watching Pee Wee's Playhouse. But for whatever reason I was always obsessed with movies.

I still remember when I found out my friend Matt's* parents had a video camera and we started making movies with lego men and G.I Joes. All I ever wanted to do when I went to his place was make more movies (and play video games because he had pretty much any game you could think of).

I was spellbinded by those "Behind The Scenes" and movie magic shows that gave you a glimpse into how they did all those wild things you saw on the screen. Needless to say when DVD's came out with all kinds of special features I was like a pig in shit.

My family took a trip to California when I was 9 or so and still to this day I can vividly remember meeting up with my cousin at the production house he was working at, and watching him and his co-workers edit a Raid commercial, and being blown away by how cool it was. Disneyland? Meh. An off-line editing rig? FUCK YEAH!

Hell, I even went to film school for fuck sakes and shot a movie on actual film (now I just need to figure out how con someone into paying me to do it again and again). I repeat, I fucking love movies.

So it shouldn't be a shock to any of you that I subscribe to a podcast called "I Love Movies". It's hosted by comedian Doug Benson, who has his own movie out called Super High Me. If you're too dumb to figure out the plot just by the title then
you should probably spend a little more time reading books and a little less time coming here to look at boobs (please don't stop coming here to look at boobs). Okay, fine; basically Doug is an avid stoner, and after watching Super Size Me and scarfing down some Mc D's he figures it would be a great idea to see what happens to a person if they smoked pot all day for 30 days. Needless to say it's hilarious and you should check it out. (I guess technically that would be the first movie on this list, no?)

Anyway back to the topic at hand. On Doug's podcast he plays this game called the Leonard Maltin game. He plays the Leonard Maltin game so much, and talks about Leonard Maltin himself so much that through a series of magical events Len Maltin actually went on the podcast a few weeks back. And he brought with him a copy of his brand new book "Leonard Maltin's 151 Best Movies You've Never Seen".

And as I was watching another amazing independent film tonight that I'm sure only a handful of people have seen, I thought to myself "hey jeanshorts, you watch a ton of movies. And you've also seen a ton of movies that were amazing, but that the public at large has probably never even heard of before. Maybe you should let them in on your little secret you greedy fuck." After I reminded myself that as an only child I was raised without the knowledge of what "sharing" was I retorted "you know, every once and a while you have an actual good idea. And this is one of them. Congratulations. Now, this is way more thinking than you're used to. Time for a nap."

So with Len Maltin as my inspiration, and without any more of my mindless ramblings, here's a list of 12 movies that you've probably never heard of but should check out immediately. And if you have seen any of these already then you're way cooler than I thought. And also you should tell me what you thought.

Sugar: Easily the best baseball movie I've ever seen. About a Dominican kid getting a shot to play pro baseball in America. But it's about a lot more than just baseball. Yes there's a lot of baseball in it, but the story is more about a poor immigrant trying to make it in America. No late game heroics to win the championship in this one. It's much more Friday Night Lights than The Rookie. Fucking amazing film and it's such a shame that this didn't get to reach a wider audience.


Dear Zachary: I don't consider myself much of a crier, but fuck me was I balling like a school girl at a Backstreet Boys concert by the time the credits rolled on this one. Even more ridiculous was the hour I spent after watching the movie trying to settle myself down. Just a heart breaker of a movie. It's a documentary the filmmaker made after his best friend was murdered, and the original intention was to use it as a way for his best friends orphaned son to get to know how wicked of a guy his dad was. Please, please, please don't Wikipedia this movie because there is a huge surprise plot point that will be ruined if you do. I made that mistake before watching the movie and even despite that I still broke down into a weepy mess. If you want to show your wife that you're not an asshole who's incapable of feelings, then this movie should do the trick.


Love The Beast: I never really thought much of Eric Bana one way or another, but after watching this I think he's pretty fucking badass. Another documentary, this one tells the story of Bana and the undying love his has for his first car, a 1974 Ford XB Falcon Hardtop. It talks about how he and his group of friends became so tight by spending all their spare time working on and racing the car, but more importantly it tries to help non-car nuts understand exactly why there are guys out there still driving around in the same car they had when they were 16, and why an asshole like Jay Leno has a warehouse full of cars. If you enjoy cars you'll love this movie, and even if you don't like cars you'll still enjoy it.


Shotgun Stories: A solid little film about two groups of Arkansas brothers that share the same dad, and the hatred they have for each other due to the vastly different lives they had growing up. Anyone living in a small town knows all to well how people can start beefing for no real reason, and how ridiculously things can escalate. It's a little slow and it definitely isn't for everyone but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Produced by Arkansas native and Pineapple Express director David Gordon Green, who also produced and directed Eastbound And Down, so you know this motherfucker knows a thing or two about growing up in the south.


Let The Right One In: This one some of you have probably heard of. It set the festival circuit on fire and after watching it I knew exactly why. This is a vampire story like nothing you have ever seen before. It's kind of hard to explain but it's basically a love story between a young boy and a young girl, and the young girl just happens to be a fucking vampire. It's from Sweden, and as with any other successful foreign movie they are remaking it for American audiences who refuse to read subtitles. It's being re-made by the same guy that directed Cloverfield so hopefully it won't be an utter piece of shit, but please, if you have any sense at all you'll watch this version first, if not instead of the remake.


Wet Hot American Summer: One of the most underrated comedies of all time. Made by the same people responsible for The State, a hilarious yet tragically unknown sketch comedy show, it's an almost spoof of summer camp movies, and just summer camp in general. I say almost spoof because it's not directly lampooning any movie in particular but it takes all the ridiculous summer camp cliches and warps them like only Michael Showalter and David Wain can. It features a pretty amazing cast including Janeane Garofalo, David Hyde Pierce, Michael Ian Black, Bradley Cooper, Amy Pohler, Paul Rudd, Molly Shannon, Christopher Meloni, Elizabeth Banks and a ton of other people who you'll no doubt recognize from any Judd Apatow and Co movie that's come out in the last 5 years. One of my favorite comedies ever.


More Than A Game: This is another one that some of you may have heard of, but as far as I can tell it's been pretty under the radar for the most part. That is, you know, unless you're a fan of this Lebron James kid. A documentary about Lebron and his group of friends, "The Fab Five"(super original), and their story about growing up together and absolutely dominating the world of high school basketball. I wasn't sure about this one going in considering I could care less about basketball and as much as I think Lebron is a badass, I think the Lebron hype machine is a little over the top. But it's actually a pretty kick ass movie that's not purely about Lebron which was a nice surprise. I remember hearing a few things here and there during high school from my friends who like basketball about this kid in Ohio who was going to be the next Jordan, and how his high school basketball team was out of this world. I didn't pay a whole lot of attention back then but this movie really put into perspective just how ridiculous this team actually was. It doesn't hold a candle to Hoop Dreams but it was really entertaining.


American Movie: If I could describe this movie in three words it would be "Real Life Fubar". Hilarious and kind of sad at the same time this documentary follows a dude named Mark Borchardt, an amateur filmmaker struggling to make his latest horror outing "Coven" (which he pronounces Coe-ven). Mark and his friend Mike Schank are so fucking funny that a lot of the time during the movie you'll be asking yourself "did they seriously just say that" or "there is no way this shit can be real". But real it is my friends, and that in itself is kind of frightening. If anything this movie pumps me up to go out there and make my own films. I mean if this fucking guy can do it why am I sitting here writing this mediocre blog? Remember how I called this movie a "real life Fubar"? Well it just so happens that Mark and Mike were the actual inspiration for Terry and Deaner. So at the very least this movie should give you an even greater appreciation for Fubar.


Bigger, Stronger, Faster: Fuck I watch a lot of documentaries. This one deals with the topic of steroids and tries to sift through all the conflicting information about how harmful or helpful steroids actually are. After I watched this movie I had a huge write up about steroids that I was going to post on here about a year ago, but I couldn't quite form all my thoughts an opinions into something that made sense. The movie talks about steroids themselves, sport culture and the all American ideal that everyone in the US needs to be bigger, stronger and faster than everyone else. Wicked movie, especially in the wake of all that ridiculous baseball bullshit.


Manda Bala-Send A Bullet: Isn't it fucking weird that we sit here and think to ourselves that never in a million years would we ever empathize with a certain type of person, say a kidnapper? And then all of a sudden you see something and it starts to make sense as to why they do the fucked up things they do? Let me introduce you to Manda Bala- Send A Bullet. This doc deals with the insane amount of kidnappings that happen in Brazil everyday, which are caused by the ridiculous gap between the haves and have nots in the country as well as the corruption of the police and government. They interview a career kidnapper throughout and at first I was all like "fuck this guy. I don't care how poor he is he shouldn't be kidnapping and extorting people. What an asshole" blah blah blah. Then by the end I was more like "well, fuck. I guess he really has no choice. Either he kidnaps people and makes some money or he and his family starve to death". And its that type of shit that fucks with my mind, but also makes me so grateful we don't live in an economic shit hole. Not amazing but definitely worth a look.


Them (Ils): One of the, if not the scariest movie I have ever seen in my entire life. I've made it no secret that I love horror movies of all shapes and sizes, and this may well be the cream of the crop. A French/Romanian effort that tells the story of a young couple living in a remote farm house somewhere in Romania. One night they're woken up by a strange noise and it's just all fucking downhill from there. The Europeans have owned the horror market for the at least the last 10 years and probably longer. As much as I enjoy watching Jason chase down a naked teen in the woods and chop her in half with a machete, this is a whole different ball game. Rather than using music to let you know something terrible is about to happen like 90% of North American horror movies, this one uses pretty much nothing but ambient noise. So when shit goes down you're skeleton is trying to jump out of your skin. Don't watch this one home alone if you live in a giant house or on a farm or something. Watch this one immediately.


Moon: Written and directed by David Bowie's kid, so you know it has to be kick ass. It stars Sam Rockwell, playing two different characters, working away on a moon base where they harvest energy or something? I don't really remember but I really fucking liked this movie. It harkens back to the old school days of sci-fi, with clear influences from Alien, 2001 A Space Odyssey, Outland, etc. And instead of using 100% CGI, most of the exterior moon shots were created using miniatures and models, which is so fucking awesome it's not even funny. That's a great homage to those trail blazing Sci-Fi movies from back in the day, and there's no way CGI will ever replace the look and feel of something that is physically on screen. It's cheaper and easier to do everything on computers now, but I for one will always respect and admire physical props and effects. Did I mention Kevin Spacey is in it playing a talking computer/robot? Yeah, like I said this movie is pretty awesome.


There are a lot more I could have added here but I figured why blow my wad all in one shot? I do that enough in real life, why carry bad habits over onto the internet, the last sacred place on the planet. I'm going to try and start making this a reoccurring feature, so if you've stumbled on here looking for Brazilian Fart Porn and you ended up finding a movie on this list that you really enjoy, keep checking back for more. So friends, go forth and enjoy these movies. Make sure to come back and tell me what you thought.

-jeanshorts

*That same Matt is now moving to Vancouver in the summer to go to the same film school I did. He even used me as a reference on his application. Can you say full circle?

Baggedmilk Comes Home, Welcome Me!

After 20,000km, four flight changes, many hours of layovers, and five bag inspections, I'm finally home. Let me tell you this people, it was emotional. Never have I been so bored, tired, annoyed and plainly pissed off in a matter of thirty-six hours.

Firstly, I have to say, I'm a pussy Canadian because I'm freezing my ass off. I know it's not cold, in terms of Edmonton, but I've been in Asia for the past nine months. I'm going to complain, and not stop complaining. The flights were long, United Airlines has zero attractive flight attendants, and the food was terrible. Thank, God, for Valium.

My flight out of Bangkok was at 6:30am, and that's a shit time to have an international flight. Even worse is the competency of the United Airlines flight staff at the check in booth in Bangkok. What normally takes an hour, at most, took over two hours. Thankfully, my cab driver got me to the airport in record time, because in his words, "[he] could drive Ferrari."

After the shitty ordeal of checking into my flight, my bag was searched for the first time. Actually, the people in Bangkok really could have cared less, and I could have smuggled six kilos of Coke in my carry on. So off I went, on my six hour flight to Tokyo. In flight meal, scrabbled eggs, and I didn't touch it, because the brown faggot that served up the meal was sneezing everywhere. I didn't want his curry, snot blast touching anything, let alone my food. I let him know it too.

In Tokyo, it was more of the same. Boring layovers and more bag searching. This time, though, the Japs were going through everything. What they didn't find? My Valium. Thankfully, because I had loads of it. Nothing shortens a flight like popping a few of those bad boys. First thing on the flight, pop four vallies, and I'm clinically dead for the eight hour flight. It was brilliant. In flight meal? Who the fuck knows, I wasn't waking up.

From Tokyo, it was off to San Francisco, and once again my bags get searched. The problem, is that, this time I only have an hour to get pick up my bag, and get to my next gate for Denver. Naturally, my bag gets searched again, and this little Chinese guy goes through every shirt that I bought, and asks what I was doing in Asia. It goes on forever, and then my lazy ass has to go sprinting through the airport to get to my gate. Because of the bag search, I got my name called for last call for boarding, I was more than annoyed.

Nothing to talk about in Denver other than the fact that I wasn't even supposed to fly there, (check in for my flight, and they tell me I have an extra leg and four hour layover in Denver instead of coming straight home from San Fran) but I did appreciate the amount of fat fucking humans that live there. Jesus Christ, I haven't seen that many fat people in a long time, it was clear that I was back in the USA. Aside from laughing at fatties, the only thing I DO want to discuss about Denver, is the burrito I had. Fuck me, this was the best burrito I've had since actually being in Mexico. Sergio sure knew how to wrap some spicy chicken in a tortilla, that's for sure.

Finally, I was back at Edmonton International. Once again, my bag was searched, but this time the guy actually found the hidden compartment in my bag that had all my Valium. Best part is, that I convinced him I had a prescription, but forgot it, and he let me go without issue. "No, I definitely didn't buy it in Cambodia, that would be silly. No sir, I did not engage in drug use while travelling either." What was really annoying, was spending forty minutes looking through every single picture I took to make sure I didn't fuck any eight year olds in Asia.

Landing in Edmonton was a shock. Spending the past nine months and change in a tropical climate really fucked me over when I got here. When I walked out of the airport I almost died, and even when I got home, I had to put another hoodie on. It was ridiculous. Even more ridiculous, assholes calling me at 9:00am this morning to see if I wanted to hang out. No, I don't, I'm jet lagged and still tweaking of the many milligrams of Valium that I've ingested over the past thirty-six hours.

It's ridiculous to be home after so long, but nothing says "Welcome Home" like watching some puck on TSN and drinking a double double, which I'm doing right now. Regardless, it's shit to be home and actually have to look for a job. Needless to say, I'm home now, and what that means is that I'll be working on a trip recap and posting some pictures. I'll also get some video up here, when I'm not to busy looking at porn and lazing around in my own filth.

What does it mean for you? A few things. More of my mindless ramblings, Travis' confusion as to who's posting on the Twitter account, PETA hatred, more content, and the vulgarity level will be right back up to par with where it should be. Where have all the tits been lately anyway?

In closing, Edmonton weather is shit, I'm going to the Oilers game tomorrow so I'll be posting live from the game, and I still hate Jeanshorts. Welcome me back with open arms, people, and donate any money you can, so that I can stay head down, covered with crumbs.

-baggedmilk

Bonsignore Citizens Brigade: Oilers At Blackhawks

Can anyone believe I'm still in the league?? - picture circa 1945

Yeesh, what a day. We lose easily our best defenseman in favor of an underachiever, and we send Steve Staios packing down the highway but somehow end up not taking on 18 horrible contracts. I can't really say that this team got worse per say, because really how much farther can they fall? But they certainly didn't get better outside of the fact they now have money freed up to sign Gagner/Brule/whoever else and hopefully (dear god please) have some left over to sign say, oh, I don't know, a centerman who can win faceoffs and kill penalties and maybe a gritty stay at home defenseman? Although it's not like we've been hurting for these types of players for 3 seasons now.

I hate the fact that we lost Lubo. Absolutely hate it. He was one of the few Oilers who was consistent night in and night out and should have been here to take the Peckham's, Chroney's (ugh) and whichever other young defensemen may come through the revolving door, under his wing and hopefully steer them in the right direction. But instead now we get Ryan Whitney, who by all accounts should be an upgrade (way bigger, younger, cheaper contract) but just taking a gander at his career stats he looks to be more Cheechoo than Pronger. His stats are pretty inflated due to his seasons on some ridiculous Pittsburgh Penguins teams. I'm not J. Willis or anything but by the looks of it I'd say he's starting to peak at about 5 goals/30 points per season. Which isn't horrendous, but considering Lubo already has 30 points this year it definitely looks like a downgrade. Another knock against Whitney is that he doesn't use his massive girth to his advantage. He's 6'4, 220 but apparently doesn't engage in physical play nearly enough as he should. But I don't think we got completely fleeced on this deal, just 3/4 fleeced. Who knows, perhaps another change of scenery is all this kid needs to turn it on and become a legitimate number 1 or 2 defender. Dustin Penner finally started using his size to it's full potential so maybe Quinn and Co can squeeze the same thing out of Whitney. I'd have an easier time accepting this trade if Whitney made less money and we got a lot bigger of a return, but my verdict is still out on this one. As of right now it looks like a mediocre trade for the Oilers at best. But who knows what the future will hold. Lubo isn't getting any younger and Whitney is just entering his "prime" years. Not the worst trade in this franchises history that's for sure.

I know we all love Lubo and are going to miss the shit out of him, but I don't think this trade is world ending like a lot of people out there. And besides, it's the Oilers, you have to look for whatever silver lining you can. It's painfully clear that after 2 seasons of evaluation Tambo has just now realized that perhaps it's time to look toward the future and is slowly starting to dismantle this team piece by glorious piece. We now have cap space and rosters spots open for next year to sign those free agent role players we've all been screaming for what seems like forever. And it seems to me like a lot of people out there complaining about the moves figured that with a few trades that all our problems would be solved and we'd be sitting pretty for next year. Well friends, I'll let you in on a little secret; the Edmonton Oilers have barely anything in terms of tradable assets. And the assets that are worth anything are FAR more valuable to us if we keep them instead of shipping them away for a handful of picks and prospects. Seriously would you rather see a 33 year old defenseman get traded for a guy who still has some potential left to be decent or see Sam Gagner traded for 2 or 3 warm bodies, some picks and some prospects? If anyone says Gagner then you can get the fuck out right now because I don't want to have any association with you. We all knew this rebuilding phase was going to be slow and painful. I think today we finally realized just how painful it's going to be. But the endgame is going to be worth it. Trust me.

And now onto a much happier story. WE GOT RID OF STEVE STAIOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll let you guys tire yourselves out with celebratory fist pumps before I move on.

And not only did we finally rid ourselves of some serious dead weight, Tambo somehow got rid of him without having to take on one or two just as crappy contracts, and, get this, got a decent return for him! What the fuck is going on here?? Oh, that's right, the Sutters have completely lost their minds. Seriously what is going on down there? They are taking on everyone else's garbage, and jettisoning what little draft picks they had left. They've made it pretty clear they love over paying for their defense corps, hate scoring goals, and loathe draft picks. Do the Sutters have some kind of personal vendetta against the Flames, so they've set out to completely smash the franchise into discernible pieces? I'd never thought I'd say this, but boy am I glad we have Tambo as our GM. Well, I mean, rather than Darryl Sutter. But still.

I think we can all agree that at one point or another we all had mad respect for Steve Staios. And then the mid 2000's hit and he got old and shitty and of course that means he got signed to a long term, overpriced contract. If this was 2002 we'd probably all be screaming to the heavens "Why is this happening to us? WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS!" But now I think we can all give each other celebratory high fives. It was nice knowing you Steve. We had some great times. But sometimes you just have to move on. I'm sure you'll have fun in Calgary. See ya!

And now onto an even more depressing topic than the Lubo trade. The Oilers are playing the Chicago Blackhawks tonight! 4 Olympic medals (and almost 6) were brought home to Chi-Town on Monday. The Oilers on the other hand traded their only 2 Olympians. Yeah, this game is going to be awesome. Ugh. I'm not even going to waste anymore of my precious (and expensive) time talking about this game. We are going to lose and we are going to lose bad. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go continue to laugh at how incredibly horrible the Flames trade deadline day was. Toskola! HAHAHAHA!

jeanshorts prediction: Chicago 25 - Edmonton -.03

TylerSeguin

IQWT

-jeanshorts

Bonsignore Citizens Brigade: Oilers At Predators

All three of these men just got word that they don't, in fact, play for the Edmonton Oilers.

The NHL is back baby! *crickets*

Okay, well, I'm sure no group of fans could care less about NHL hockey for the next couple of months than Oiler fans. Especially considering we are going from witnessing one of the most magical moments in our hockey watching lives back to watching the absolute worst team that the majority of us have ever cheered for. I imagine this is exactly what it's like to come down from heroin. The highest of highs followed by the lowest of lows.

So where were we when we left off? Oh, right. By far the worst team in the NHL. With one minor difference however; the landscape of this franchise was forever altered today with the blockbuster trade of Cody Wild in exchange for Matt Marquardt!!!!!!!!
I'll give you a minute to try and comprehend all this madness.

In all seriousness though, what the hell does this mean? With the Grebeshkov trade and now Wild I think it's pretty clear that Steve Tambellini hates defensemen. Silver lining is at least we know for sure he didn't die in a horrible industrial accident (you win this round Tambo!). And that someone finally told him he does, in fact, have the ability to talk to other GM's around the league and make "trades". I would have thought Kevin Lowe would have filled him in while he was moving to his bigger, nicer office, but I guess he couldn't get out of that GM's chair fast enough.

Going back to the Grebeshkov trade, I think a lot of people out there are making way too big a deal of this. Okay, I understand that he's 26 and is theoretically entering his prime, but have any of you that are sad to see him go actually seen him play before??? I'm pretty sure he already hit his prime in Jr. Realistically, on any other team he's a number 5 defenseman at best. He's just too inconstant and soft to be anything more than an average puck moving D-man getting soft minutes. And with a 3 million dollar price tag that many assume will either stay the same if not inflate, I think Tambo made a not-mind numbingly bad move for the first time during his tenure. I think he easily could have gotten more than a second rounder, because let's face it there is no way he is worth the same as Dominic Moore (seriously two years in a row he's traded for a 2nd rounder? What the fuck?) and it looks to me that Tambo took the first deal presented to him where he wasn't getting absolutely fleeced. But the move now frees up a spot for Theo Peckham to finally come in and impose his will (or god forbid Taylor Chorney gets a regular spot on an NHL team *shudder*) and frees up 3 million dollars in cap space, which is never a bad thing. Unless of course you have a crappy GM who tries to throw way too much money at shitty players who don't deserver it (oh fuck, we're screwed). And who knows, if Grebs does end up bolting for the KHL in the summer Tambo could come out of this looking like a man of average intelligence!

Speaking of Grebeshkov, we won't have to wait long until he gets a chance to play against the Oilers and get a career high in points, goals and pregnancies! The Oilers take on the Preds tonight, and "unfortunately" I won't be here to see how this whole thing turns out.

Umm, so, uhh, it appears the game is already on. For the first time in my life I was late on the draw instead of incredibly pre-mature.

Anyway, blah, blah, blah, Oilers still suck. Preds are in the mix for a playoff spot. Why is Ethan Moreau still on this team? Shea Weber is fucking awesome. Remember when we won the gold medal in men's hockey?

jeanshorts prediction: Oilers 2 - Preds 4. Shea Weber blinds everyone with his new bling.

TylerSeguin

IQWT

-jeanshorts

P.S- Apparently Baggedmilk gets back to Canada tonight. So if you feel yourself shudder for no reason and/or vomit uncontrollably then it probably means his plane has touched down.

JSBM Olympic Roundup

Hey, I just woke up from a nap. What are we celebrating?

Yesterday was quite possibly the greatest day in Canadian history. I high fived more people yesterday than my entire life combined. Everyone was going crazy. Cars were wailing on their horns well past 2 AM. 80% of the people I passed on the street were talking about the hockey game in one form or another. I've never seen an entire city be this happy before. It was incredible. How was the party everywhere else in the country? Once again, thank you for coming Olympics. I had the fucking time of my life and I'll never forget you. Come back again soon will yeah?












I have to give this guy credit for sticking to his guns and flying his colors right in the middle of enemy territory. Needless to say he got A LOT of guff.

























-jeanshorts