Summer's Eve Calls for a Clean Vagina

We'll file this under, should've seen this coming news, but women are pissed about an ad that Summer's Eve ran with this summer. Summer's Eve offers an array of feminine products, including douching kits. It happened to be these douching kits that landed them in trouble. Apparently, douching is no laughing matter.

This summer, Summer's Eve ran an ad telling women how to "ask for a raise." In the ad, the company tells women to shower, and use one of their douching kits. If the rankest of pussies couldn't be tamed by a shower alone, Summer's Eve advises women to toss some "Summer's Eve Feminine Cleansing Cloths into your bag for a quick freshness pick-me-up during the day."

Well, women are pissed off about it. Apparently, claiming that you have a better chance at a raise if your pussy doesn't smell like an NFL locker room crossed the line. Regardless of how funny we, at JSBM, think the Summer's Eve message is, the company had some backtracking to do.

Angela Bryant, a Summer's Eve brand manager says "I would like to first of all apologize if this ad in anyway has offended anyone. We are taking immediate next steps to remove the ad from circulation."

I, on behalf of women everywhere, accept their apology and pledge to stop being such a sensitive cunt. I couldn't find the actual ad in question, but I did find one that is just as funny. Enjoy!

-baggedmilk

Khabibulin Sentenced to 30 Days

I wasn't going to talk about it, because it's been beaten to death. But here we are, and I'm talking Bulin.

As you all know, Khabibulin has been sentenced to 30 days in prison, a pocket full of change (by NHL salary standards) for a fine, and a substance abuse program. Big deal. What is most surprising to me, is how stupid Oilers fans are being. If you've been checking out the comments section of Oilers Nation, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

I'm not saying drunk driving was the greatest decision to make, but it's not the worst thing he could have done. If you look at the charges brought down on some NBA and NFL players, a DUI makes Khabibulin look like a saint. Yet, if you're looking at what some fans are saying, you'd think he's stealing Christmas presents from orphans.

And if you actually think that the Oilers are going to try and void his contract, take the fork out of your ear and pay attention. Players get DUIs, it happens, and they don't get their contracts voided because it's convenient to you as a know it all playboy fan. Mark Belle was wasted and smashed a car... not voided. Jay Bo, DUI... still played for Florida. Sheldon Kennedy got molested by a coach, and still lives his life. Shit happens.

I can't stand the bullshit that fans are dropping, as if they know what they're talking about. Chances are, most of those asshole at ON have, at some point, got behind the wheel of a car after drinking too much. We've all done it. Don't act so fucking pretentious because it happened to a dude with a bad contract from your point of view. I would have taken that kind of money, and so would you.

What's interesting, is the standard to which our pro athletes are held in North America. Queen of baggedmilk manor was telling me a story, about Australian rugby players that are banned from TV for things that they've done. It's wild to see. Whether they get a DUI or a rape charge, those athletes are actually held accountable. Strange no?

I guess 30 days in a minimum security, Arizona, resort for non violent offenders and a coffee's worth of fines isn't so bad.

-baggedmilk

Yoko Ono is Fucking Mental

Just when you thought that your chick can be mental sometimes, imagine you were John Lennon and married to this pig? What the fuck is she doing? Apparently this "art piece" is called Voice Piece For Soprano & Wish Tree. What the fuck does that mean? If it was anyone other than Yoko Ono acting like an asshole, like this, they would be kicked out of the museum.

If you guys are at work, and don't have speakers, listen to it when you get home. This shit is bonkers. Look at the expressions on her face, either Yoko Ono is one the weirdest drugs imaginable or she's fucking crazy. No wonder the Beatles broke up. They didn't want to hang out with this, bat shit crazy, asshole.

-baggedmilk

Amish Sex Crimes

The Amish of America aren't just churning butter anymore, they're running wild and getting into trouble. They're getting themselves involved in some pretty heavy crimes, and landing themselves in jail.

In Curryville, Missouri, Chester Mast (26) is being charged with various sex crimes across two states, including statutory rape, statutory sodomy, sexual misconduct involving a child, repeated sexual assault of the same child and incest. According to Hannibal.net, Mast admitted to getting blowies and having sex with girls under the age of seventeen, as well as jacking off in front of a 15-year old.

Heavy... but in comparison to this next crew, Chester Mast is a light weight.

In Lancaster, Wisconsin, two amish men have been accused of incest, sex with extreme minors, and sex with animals. Christian Stolzfus (19) and Dannie Stolzfus (18) have been charged with having sex with six family members, a cow, and a horse.

Oh no you di'int!

According to Channel3000.com, Chris Stolzfus "is charged with repeated sexual assault of a child, four counts of first-degree sexual assault of a child under the age of 13 without great bodily harm; attempted first-degree sexual assault of a child under the age of 13 without great bodily harm; two counts of incest; exposing genitals or pubic area; and two counts of sexual gratification with an animal."

Dude, weak.

Not to be outdone, brother Dannie "is charged with two counts of incest and sexual gratification with an animal."

Damn slutty cows. Who knew they'd tell?

Their sexual adventures are said to have taken place on two different farms. Between the two of them, they are looking at an estimated 500 years in prison. On the bright side, the actions of the Stolzfus brothers have been condemned by the colony. Sweet.

What even happened to the friendly amish people from movies like Kingpin, that we've come to know and love? Here I was, thinking that they churned butter, raised barns, and rode in buggies. Instead, I find out they're fucking each other, pulling their cocks out, and slipping didgets in the family animals.

I guess living on a farm with no electricity, and a strict religious rule over them isn't always the healthiest thing. There is actually a crazy documentary about the amish called 'Devil's Playground' that's definitely worth a look.

-baggedmilk

Adding Some Flavour to Your Water

In Orange County, California, KTLA News has reported that 31-year old Michael Lallana is being charged with adding some extra flavour to a co-workers water bottle.

In January of 2010, Lallana decided he would be the ultimate prankster and dropped a load into a co-workers water bottle while she was in the bathroom. Upon returning to her desk, the victim drank the water, felt sick, and threw her bottle away. Michael Lallana won round 1.

Fast forward to April, and this same co-worker left for the bathroom once again, leaving her water bottle exposed, vulnerable, and sexy. Lallana struck again. Once again, the victim returned, drank the water, felt ill but rather than throwing the bottle away she decided to have it tested.

DNA reports came back confirming the that bottle did indeed contain a fat load, later confirmed to be Lallana's. After what seemed like two flattering acts of affection, Lallana is being charged with two misdemeanor counts of releasing an offensive material in a public place as well as two counts of committing a crime for sexual gratification.

As far as I see it, that chick is a prude. Dropping a load in someones water bottle is the grown up version of a Valentine's Day card. Unfortunately, no picture of the "victim" was released, so we can't judge her sexiness. Maybe Lallana's work arousal was justified, maybe she dresses like a complete whore and had it coming?

What I do know for sure, is that he can rip one off in record timing. If Lallana can kick a goal in the same time it takes to piss, then he is a marvel among men. Unless of course he developed some kind of walk by Spiderman, deadly accurate, release. Awesome.

-baggedmilk