Want to go to a Cock Fight? Umm... Yep

Where have I been? What have I done? Well, I've rolled though Malaysia, taken some pictures of the Petrona Twin Towers (look them up you assholes, they're cool) and now I'm chilling in the Philippines.

Basically, we flew into Kuala Lumpur and touched down at 1 in the morning. From there, we missed our bus, and found ourselves in China Town at 3 in the morning, looking for a place to stay. What we didn't know, is that guest houses get booked ahead in Malaysia, so there we were, two Canadians walking around in the middle of the night looking for a place to sleep. After 5 places shut us down, we walked past one that we had been turned away from. Only this time, by some kind of Hindu magic, they had a room for us.

Basically, the magic of it was a hooker had just been fucked in our room and was done. At 3:30 in the morning, we didn't give a fuck. Also, it wasn't a room, it was a closet with a bunk bed in it. Naturally, I grabbed top bunk so that my buddy Ben had to sleep on the hooker fuck bed. Power move by me. The next morning, we're kicked out of our room, because apparently it was booked for that night. Thankfully, some Indian dude asked us if we needed a place to stay, and that he had rooms available, so off we went.

The new place was chilled out, and we were neighbours with some sweet English chicks. Obviously, it was game on, and like moths to a flame, they were ours with little to no effort. More on that later. The best part of Kuala Lumpur was the white man tax. When we were having something to eat, there was no prices listed anywhere, they would look at our food, and give us a number for how much it would cost, so that's how much it was. Between the two of us, one meal was 15 ringgits ($5 Canadian) but the 4 Malaysians beside us, had way more food and paid less.

Anyway, back to the girls. Our flight to the Philippines was at 7 in the morning, and we had to be at the airport for 5. We were going to be smart and go to bed early, but the allure of the vag was too strong, and they convinced us to come out partying with them.

"Ok, we'll go to bed at 2 or something."

Didn't happen, next thing I know I'm tasting this tight English chicks tonsils in some bar, continuing onto the street, and then on the roof of our guesthouse. This was the kind of make out session teenagers have, it was hilarious and sexy at the same time. (Fuck, I wish I had another day with her)

"Hey, what time is it anyway?"

"It's 4:30, why?"

Ohhh shit. There I am, running down to my room, getting my buddy who was with some other chick, and it was a mad dash through China Town to the bus station and then off to the airport. We made it, powered through some McDonald's breakfast, and after getting lost in the horrible Kuala Lumpur airport, we were on our way to the Philippines. Luckily, I was sitting beside this hot Danish girl, and was chatting her up the entire way. Progress is slow with her, she's shy, but I'll let you know.

Now we're in Manila. If it's not for the hundreds of random people and kids sleeping in the street, it's them asking for our money. They even teach their infant kids to hold out their hands to us. We just walk on by. Who cares about poor people anyway? So yesterday, we were walking down by the ocean, and some random Philippino guy starts talking to us and taking our picture.

Next thing we know, we're in a cab with this guy, and off to a cock fight. We walk into this arena, built for cock fight, and are instantly approached from all sides. Everyone wants to talk to the only two white people in the building. Philippinos are the friendliest people ever too. Instead of watching the fight from up in the stands with everyone else, we were escorted ring side to sit in the VIP area with the time keepers. All free, because we're white.

This fight was intense too. They strap 5 inch blades to the roosters legs, and they go at it. The fights not done until one of the roosters is dead. Five minutes later, it's over and done. One of the guys running the fights yells out "DINNER TIME!" and everyone cheers. Note to self, don't eat street food outside of cock fight arena.

So that was a normal Tuesday, what did you guys get up to?

-baggedmilk

Happy Birthday To Us

Holy fuck. Good thing I'm paying attention. Today, my fine friends, this humble little website turns 1 year old! Who the fuck would have thought we'd still be around after 6 months, let alone an entire year?


This little piece of heaven we like to call home basically started out as a place for baggedmilk and myself to put our ridiculous thoughts and ideas out to the world. We would have the most mind numbingly stupid MSN conversation, as per usual, and every other day we'd say to ourselves "fuck, people need to hear what we have to say. We should start a blog or something." Then on one sunny July day, I finally got off my ass and jeanshortsandbaggedmilk.blogspot.com was born!

Check out our very first posts here and here. And our first legitimate article here.

It's been a fucked up 12 months I can tell you that. This site went from being more or less a glorified journal for 2 immature dudes to talk about shit and piss and boobs, and to gripe about what was pissing us off at that moment, to an actual website where 4 immature dudes talk about shit and piss and boobs and people actually read and comment on what the fuck we have to say. And to those people we'd like to say thank you. Thank you to the Admiral Rusty, The Towel Boy, Travis Dakin, Buck75, Hockey Gods, Corey, Xavier, Poo Czar, Gene's Pubes, David S, Greg MC, Dr. Pow, J. Willis, those filthy American dudes who chimed in on the last few Bonsignore Citizen Brigades, Megan Fox, anyone who's ever posted a comment anonymously, anyone who's stumbled in here looking for weird fetish porn, anyone who follows us on Twitter, anyone I've forgotten, and last but not least, Bingofuel and the immortal Wanye Gretz. You guys are the ones that make it fun, and give us the motivation to continue doing this shit until we are finally told to stop or thrown in jail. HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY TO US!

If anyone has any favorite memories or shit like that they'd like to share, thoughts on their all time favorite posts, beers they'd like to mail us, or naked pictures of their girlfriends, please, feel free to share.

Dany Heatly is a cunt.

-JSBM

Megan Fox Topless!

Is the anticipation building up inside of you yet? Is all the blood rushing from your head to your nether regions? Is this going to be the best day of your life? Probably not, but, if you click that little link right below, we have exclusive pictures of...MEGAN....FOX....TOPLESS!!




WWWWWAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Just kidding. Here's the real picture. It's shitty, and from her new movie Jennifer's Body, which was written by that annoying cunt Diablo Cody who's claim to fame is that fucking horrendously terrible piece of shit that everyone lost their mind over because it made them feel like hipsters "Juno". And she used to be a stripper. Actually Juno wasn't that bad. I like all the people in it. I like Jason Reitman, he's a nice dude. But the dialogue was the worst piece of shit ever. Anyway I'm rambling. It's been slow as fuck here lately. I'm lazy, Towel Boy has a wife, Rusty is busy gathering more pictures of tits to post on Friday, and I'm pretty sure baggedmilk is in jail in the Philippines for some kind of drug and/or child molestation charge. We've had the JSBM bail fund set up for a while now, but it's getting a little low. Buy more IQWT shirts and help us top that shit off.

Oh and in case anyone had lost track, Dany Heatly is in fact, still not an Oiler.



-jeanshorts

Dany Heatly Still Isn't An Oiler

Carry on.

-jeanshorts

Feast Your Eyes On This

It's been a crazy week in Oil Country. With so many emotions this week I feel like kicking back and burying my mind in a nice set of hooters.

It's Friday, and the Oilers need a top line winger.


As soon as I caught wind that the Heatley deal was "done" I was flooded with visions of glory:



After checking my phone moments later, I was flooded with the pungent stench of burned toast, and was overcome by a strong tingle in my left arm. I need something to smile about. Do you?

I even put in a little overtime... just for you!













































































Dany Who?

Towel Boy's Take On The Heatley Thing

Ok. We all need to fuck'n relax and take a step back.

Yes. Dany Heatley vetoed the deal to come to Edmonton...twice.

No. It's not because the City of Edmonton is a shit hole or he flat out hates the Oilers.

...and Yes. Baggedmilk is a god among mere mortals for his tales of debauchery form around the globe. But back to hockey talk...

The point about Heatley that I want to get out there is that We don't know the whole story. No matter what the media people say or feel..they don't know the whole story either. The only people that know are the Sens, the Oilers and Dany Heatley and his agent. So why would I judge Heatley on 3rd hand knowledge of the entire situation? The only thing I can judge him on is is ability to score fucking goals from every angle on the ice...and that's enough for me to remain in his corner...for now. Unless some hard core straight up "FUCK YOU EDMONTON" comes directly out of his mouth...at that point he'll be dead to me.

My take on the whole thing...

The List:

Heatley asked for a trade and gave a list of teams that he would accept a trade to. Fine. It's his choice - he earned it and negotiated it into his contract. Stories that came out in the beginning had Edmonton as being a place on his list...then days later stories came out saying that Edmonton was NOT on his list. Reading stuff from today, it's a fair assumption that Edmonton was not, in fact, on his list at all. Given that assumption, if it was me and I had a list of places I would accept a transfer to and left my boss in charge to get the best offer for my services from one of those places... only to find that the best offer he got was from a place that wasn't on my list - I WOULD TOTALLY WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT. I wouldn't be all "Oh, ok boss...where do I sign?" I'd be more like "Edmonton? What the fuck is this shit? They weren't on my fucking list. I never even considered them as a viable option. Where is this Edmonton? Do they have women there? I need to drink on this."

Why would I want to drink on it? Well, for fuckin' 1. It wasn't on my list. 2. I would want to see if the other places on my list come up with something. Because, honestly I would go to Edmonton, but I'd rather go to any of the higher ranked cities on my list because...well, those cities were on my fucking list. It's why I had a list to begin with. It's the very nature of a LIST.

The NMC:

Just because he has a NMC and can "say" he doesn't want to play here means nothing to me in terms of "would I even want him on the Oilers after he said No?" Cuz honestly...players without NMC's have been traded to Edmonton and you can bet that at first they weren't exactly happy with the situation...Visnovsky comes to mind. He was hours away from having a NMC kicking into his contract when he got the trade call. I seem to recall his first interview as more of a "What the fuck L.A.? why?" than it was "I'm happy to be an Oiler today." Obviously he wasn't keen on the switch...and if he had the NMC active I bet 7 dollars he would have vetoed the trade as well. So to me the vetoing of the trade by Dany was more waiting to see what the other teams ON HIS LIST had to say, rather than it was about hating on the Oilers.

The Rumours of Duchebaggery and Dickheadishness:

Look. I don't give a fuck if Heatley is a complete asshole. Lots of hockey players are assholes. They get paid to play a sport, they're not always good people. In my books, they don't have to be all nicey nice when they bring something to the table like Heatley does. Duchebag or not...he scores goals and makes his linemates better. Cocksucker or not...he's a multiple time allstar and has rep'd Canada on the world stage many times. I don't care what kind of a person he is. I'm not even worried that "he'd be a cancer to the room"...cuz honestly...there might be some cancers in that room all ready. They're fuckin' hockey players, not babies. They don't need to be protected from the big, bad, mean superstar. Gimme a break. Teammates don't even have to be best friends off the ice. In fact, I would argue that some times it's best when they're not buddies off the ice...that means there's less of a chance for Baggedmilk type adventures (Read: hookers and blow).

In Summary:

I don't villify him for what's happened...I believe it all started from the Oilers not being on his list...then all of a sudden he/agent hear the Oilers have a good package...they give the go ahead to Murray to start negotiations with the Oil...thinking all the while it'll drive up interest from the team he really wants to go to (Rangers?) But all that ended up happening is that the Oilers had the most unbeatable offer and the Rangers, sensing defeat/dirty poker/them being played....said "fuck ur hat." Now we're here.

I don't pretend to think Heatley is a saint or even a good guy that I would have a beer with. But his record on the ice is proven and that is enough for me to feel that the Oilers should continue to court this guy...and for that I'm not boarding the "Hate Dany Heatley Bandwagon" just quite yet. The summer is young though...he may say something bad about Rusty or JSBM and then I'll have to throw down. Until then, I'm all for whatever it takes.

- Towel R. Boy III

Dive Instructor and a Ping Pong Show

What the fuck is going on with Dany Heatley? I came online on draft day. Nothing. Then he was an Oiler, and then he wasn't. That gapped tooth mother fucker better waive that no trade clause or else I will kick his vehicular manslaughtering balls.

Dudes, I hadn't moved from Phi Phi in two weeks. we just left 2 days ago because my Thai Visa runs out, so I literally have to leave the country. That's cool though, me and this dude from Van are going to bounce to the Philippines and chill there for a while. I'll probably come back in August, or maybe meet up with this smoke show from Calgary and meet up in Cambodia. I don't really know. What I do know, is that she had a nice set of hammers, and I feel it is my duty to see them.

The best part about Phi Phi was being balls deep inside a rich, American dive instructor on a daily basis. Sweet. I tried to get her to pay me for my services, but unfortunately, no dice. So far that's 4 kills, and I still have a long time away. Awesome. She's cool though, but not nearly foreign enough to me, because we have the same accent. I really need to get my hands on some kind of Swede, or an Australian. Anyone with an accent. Cool.

Every day is something new though. Last night, I was offered a happy ending by a 55 year old hooker. Nice. This random dude I was talking to, while pissing, was all over the idea. I on the other hand wasn't really digging it. Things are weird in this country, and completely hilarious at the same time. The other day, I was chilling on the side of the road, and some random Thai chick started singing 'Hit Me Baby, One More Time' to me. It's legendary. It's really funny to have people come up and say, "Hey! (baggedmilk) what's happening man?" Most of the time, I look at them and have no idea who the fuck they are. Daily occurance, made worse by getting shit bag wasted every single night and meeting more people. That was Phi Phi.

Two days ago, the little crew of dudes I hang out with moved on to a city called Phuket. It's filthy, but I'll get to that. The first thing that happened here, was us out for dinner, and seeing the American we hang out with get robbed by a 60 year old woman. She was selling some random shit, so he bought a hat from her. After he paid for the hat, she jacked it from his head, and sprinted down the road to an awaiting scooter. It was possibly the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. The dude was so shocked as to what had just happened to him, he couldn't believe it. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Until last night...

Last night was Canada Day. Yep I'm in the future. So naturally the thing to do in Phuket, Thailand, is go to a Ping Pong show. No, it has nothing to do with table tennis, my friends. Did you know that in a woman's vagina, they can keep 5 mice, a bird, and a small turtle? It's true, I saw it. That was followed by the same woman, pulling out 20 feet of string from her pussy, that was covered in needles. What the fuck? (Rusty you love that shit don't you) Hilarious moments right there my friends. I tried snapping pictures but the giant bouncer didn't think it was a very good idea.

From there, we were on our way home. The 4 block walk back to the hotel took almost 2 hours. Because every 10 feet we were stopped by hookers whom literaly grab our dicks as we walk by. The Swede, that I hang out with, literally fingered one, stuck his fingers up my nose, and made me puke everywhere in the street. It was the most vile thing I have ever been a part of. Aside from seeing 60 year old men parading around with 16 year old Thai girls. That's everywhere, and it's fucked up. Places like Phuket are the bad part of Thailand that everyone thinks of. I can't wait to peach out of this place tomorrow.

Aside from the pursuit of pleasure, hooking up with randoms, and destroying my liver, I haven't been doing a whole lot since I've last written. As of right now, my days consist of waking up sometime in the late afternoon, grabbing something to eat, getting fucked up, and taking down a random. It's a rough life, but someone has to get it done. I see now that Batman, and Tambo are off to meet with Heatley. I'll be back on in a couple hours.

Peace.

-baggedmilk

Just A Little Distraction

It's been a weird 24 hours in the nation right now. Our heart strings have been tugged in every which direction. There's been over the top elation, followed by head scratching confusion which eventually turned into crazy hatred/sadness. I still have no idea what the fuck is going on with this whole "Dany Heatly Saga" ridiculousness, and I'm trying to figure out I feel about having a 35 year old Russian net minder between the pipes next season. But I think what everyone needs right now is a little pick me up. Lets go back to a simpler time shall we, and bask in what we all hope will soon be a future Oiler great.




Do you remember where you were when this shit went down? I sure as fuck do. I was hungover as balls, filled to the brim with day old donair pizza, hadn't showered in about 2 days, laying around like a piece of shit on baggedmilks couch, and pretty bummed out because it looked like Canada had pissed away their chances at another gold medal. But when Eberle pulled off this piece of magic I flew off the couch, about 14 feet in the air, and started screaming and fist pumping like 12 year old girl at a Jonas Brothers concert. It was pretty amazing.

Now lets all collectively pray to the gods of hockey that Eberle turns out to be just as big of a gamer for our favorite NHL squadron.

**EDIT**
You know what, FUCK YOU PIERRE MCGUIRE. Instead of letting the people at home get swept up in the fan noise and pandemonium that had erupted in the arena, lets reiterate obvious points about the Russian icing that you pointed out about 45 seconds prior. And also spend more time talking about a weak back hand pass by John Tavares instead of the slick hands of the goal scorer. God dammit. TOO MUCH PIERRE MCGUIRE TODAY!

-jeanshorts

Free Agent Frenzy: Someone Came To Edmonton!

It's free agent frenzy day. Normally, this would be a "Let's dream for a moment about the Oilers actually landing something on this glorious day!".

With all the excitement around Dany Heatley and his tendency to be a douchewad, we're actually able to cheer about something today.

THE 'BULIN WALL



The deal for the 36 year old is 4 years totalling 15 million. (3.75 million cap hit)

It's a bit of a gamble with his age, but who cares? He's a stud. He's won a cup. He looked really good in Chicago last year. His stats last year calls for a boner:

Record: 25-8-7
GAA: 2.33
Save% : .919

Good move Tambo! Things are starting to shape up. Now, let's see what comes next.

Things Are Heating Up

Well, Bouwmeester signed long term with the enemy. Great. Good thing The Towel Boy has been to the future. By midnight tonight... Dany Heatley... COULD... BE...

COULD? Fuck. I have that feeling I normally do when it's the 3rd period and the Oilers are nursing a 1 goal lead. "Here comes a 1 goal loss", I'd think to myself. This is another one of those times. MAYBE, just maybe it just might come true?

*dreams of a future... complete with GOALS!*


Big Bobby Mac from TSN wrote the following:

Edmonton is abuzz with rumors the deal is close and it's becoming obvious now there is a deal to be made between the Oilers and Senators.

Ottawa wants Dustin Penner as part of the package dating back to Sens' GM Bryan Murray's days in Anaheim with Penner and as much as Edmonton would like to move Penner and his $4.25 million cap hit, Heatley's $7.5 million is a tough nut to crack.

Throw in a young roster Defenceman - Ladislav Smid used to be in Anaheim, too - and a prospect or another young roster player and that's a deal that could fly.

Porkchop Penner in the deal? That's some good gravy; I must be on drugs.

A Sign Of The Times?

So I was prowling around Twitter the other day (@AdmiralRusty) and was hit up with the following link that peaked my interest.

What made me interested temporarily?!? This:

READ THIS BULLSHIT!!

Now, this would lead you to believe that the kid who originally started the whole child molestation kerfuffle was forced to lie by his dad. The funny thing is every site that posted this story has slowly started to pull back as there is no confirmation that this is true at all. Just think. All of these die-hard Jacko fans are jumping off cliffs trying to rub it in everyone's face that Mike Jack was a saint. When I first heard, I did blink a couple of times and go "Hmmmm... Crazy"

Not so crazy that this isn't actually true. Kind of like a certain NHL trade that was to involve a certain rake...

...or the day Mr. Jackson croaked, a thought to be reputable source
*cough cough jeanshorts aAaaaCcChoOOooOO!*
said that Jeff Goldblum died after falling off a cliff while filming a movie.

The internet is a powerful thing. Hoaxes are powerful too. Even I got an email from my Aunt telling me I could win a computer if I forwarded her email to 8 people. If only the internet could be used for reputable things... Like these girls that searched me on MSN only to ask if I want to get down and dirty on their chat site. You know, legit reputable ladies that truly value my company and not my credit card.

Now if you'll excuse me... I have a woman to attend to.
*pulls out wallet*

Some Guy Died

The guy who crooned out this song died in a Berlin hotel room. There ya have it.

UPDATE: You didn't see anything... GO AWAY!