Bonsignore Citizens Brigade: Rangers @ Oilers

By the power of Messier, please let us win a game!

I'm still not quite sure how I feel about Thursdays. On one hand it's pretty sweet because you've gotten the majority of the week over with, and there's usually really good TV shows on that night (The Office, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, etc.) But on the other hand Thursday is such a dink tease to the weekend that it might as well be Wednesday. Yeah you're one day closer, but you're still a full day away from being a free man. What does this have to do with hockey? Absolutely nothing.

The Rangers of New York City, New York step into Rexall tonight, looking to bust out of an Oilers-esque slump that's seen them go 2-5-1 in their last 8. I have no idea what's gone wrong for the Rangers but it's a little bit of consolation knowing that teams with lots of fire power and a world class goalie can suck just as badly as an Oilers team that has lost more players to injury than any team ever in the history of professional sports*.

If the Oilers continue to play this garbage brand of hockey they've been bringing to the rink lately then we are going to be in for a long fucking night folks. Henrik Lundqvist is one of the top goalies in the league and the boys are going to need to put more than 20 pucks on the net if they hope to come out of this one with a win. They also need to stop trying to make so many fancy-ass plays and start diving head first into the net, looking for a greasy rebound. No more 4 inch passes, just shoot the god damn puck on the net and create some chances.

Thankfully it looks like Mike Comrie may finally be able to breath just well enough to get some ice time tonight, which should be nothing but positive for this team. And I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually glad to have Steve Staios back in the line up, if only for the fact that he's played more NHL games than the entire rest of the defense combined. He may be shitty and is still my pick for goat this season, but I'm pretty confident he can at least get the puck out of his own zone, which is saying a lot. On the other side of the coin though both Shawn Horcoff and Laddy Smid are out. So even with Comrie and Staios back it's basically a wash, and we're back to square one.

I would say look for the boys to come out firing tonight after a few road losses, but let's be real here. This team has played with absolutely no fire for the last 2 or 3 weeks. I don't expect anything to change, especially with Souray, Jacques and Stone still on the shelf. I don't know if this team is still hampered with the flu or what, but something's got to give and give soon, otherwise the Oilers will be in the race for Taylor Hall as early January. Which wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, but it's way more fun to watch playoff hockey then to sit there and hope the Oilers ball comes out number one in the draft lottery.

I'm going to go against my better judgement here folks;

jeanshorts prediction: Rangers 4 - Oilers 1. Seriously, I think it's going to be a rough fucking night.

IQWT

GOILERS!

-jeanshorts

*not factually accurate.

Guess Who's Back... Ummm... Hello? The Missing Piece of JSBM

Alright... I know. I haven't written fucking anything in a long time. So sue me. I've been living on an island, and Internet is expensive around here. Okay? Okay. I forgive you too. Don't think I don't see you all bad mouthing me to your neighbours. I see it. I can feel it, all the way from Thailand. So here I am with an update. Read it.

So I'm a dick. I promise you all updates when I'm traveling and I don't do it. So now that I've got some time, and it's raining, I'm going to tell some stories. I'll try to keep them quick and to the point, or they'll just ramble on for centuries. Let me tell you friends, what you're about to hear are the greatest tales in the history of the world. Either that or you'll be really bored.

Let me start by saying I'm still in Phi Phi. I still work at a bar, and I still get fucking rat ass drunk every single day. Awesome, no? Let me tell you something about Tiger Bar, they've installed a weekly segment called "Playboy Night" and it's basically us getting oiled up and stripping for the females. (Ask Jeanshorts, he can confirm the awful pictures) Let me tell you this about Playboy Night, there is not one dude in the bar. It's all females, and they all love oiled up boys in speedos.

What we do on Playboy Night is ram the bar with chicks and then strip for them at the end of the night. They go insane. In the bar we have camera phone video (which I'm trying to get my hands on) of girls getting fucked in the bathrooms, and giving blow jobs upstairs. This happens every single Monday gentlemen. Drunk sluts love oily men. It's as factual as gravity. It's a miracle of modern day science. Unfortunately for yours truly, I've been shackled down by a woman. I was only able to be a bad bad boy for one such Monday.

WHATTTTTT????

I know friends... I didn't expect it either. She's an Aussie girl with the sexual appetite of the JSBM Nation on Megan Fox Fridays. (Do we still do that around here?) I can't keep up with the girl. It's amazing. But worry not friends, that is not to say that I've been such a good boy. Before she came from a land down under, I scored kills with the English, the Irish, the Swedes, and other Aussies. It's been a freak parade for ol' baggedmilk in the past few months. As it sits now I am resting the gun somewhere between 25 and 30 kills. I will have to do the math.

Friends, this is my vow. I found a new place for the world wide web. I can access you all from anywhere on the planet. And they give me a discount. So I WILL start doing a regular segment from Thailand. I was just discussing this with Jeanshorts, and I have many stories to tell you all. Playboy Night was just a taste of the debauchery that takes play on Phi Phi Don Island. I want to tell it all. What I have coming for you in the upcoming days/weeks are tales of gun shots and fist fights, black eyes and public indecency. I will tell it all. Stay tuned.

-baggedmilk

Righteous Sack Beating - Nov. 1, 2009

Can anyone else believe the fact that I got this thing up here in time for my own self imposed deadline? Me neither. But boy did I have some fuel to work with this week. As a guy who got his bell rung twice during 12 years of minor hockey I'm all too familiar with how unfun concussions can be. But the only side effect they had on me was learning to be more aware of what was going on around me and to keep my head up. Which is the perfect segway for this weeks tirade.


Sack Beating to Keith Primeau and the rest of these prognosticators who won't shut the fuck up about "head shots". There is no way you are ever going to get rid of guys getting their bell rung unless you take hitting out of the game completely. And the day that the NHL takes hitting out is the day it folds and the KHL becomes the premiere hockey league in the world. I'm sorry Keith, but you are one of the only former players (who I know of anyway) that is dealing with the terrible side effects of multiple concussions sustained over a career as badly as you are. There have been numerous reports published that say the NHL has one of the lowest concussion rates of any contact sport. And for a sport where guys are flying around at 30 plus MPH in 20 pounds of equipment that's pretty remarkable.

There's been a number of guys getting rocked in the open ice lately, but no one should feel sorry for them. For one they are getting paid millions of dollars to play a game that the rest of us play for free or have to pay to play. And secondly they are professionals. You'd think by now they'd learn to skate with their fucking head up, or not to admire a pass while skating full speed into the offensive zone. They teach that shit to you the moment you start playing body contact hockey, so the fact that these guys continue to make those mistakes is no ones fault but their own.

It's fucking ridiculous. So if I'm a defenseman getting paid 4 million dollars a year, and a guy comes cutting across my blue line with his head down, I'm supposed to not hit him because there is a chance he could wind up with a concussion? No fucking way, that's retarded. My job is to stop him from scoring a goal, and within the confines of the rules I'm allowed to body check him in order to make sure that doesn't happen. If his face happens to slam into my shoulder then so be it. Accidents happen.

I think it's bullshit that referee's are calling penalties on these hits when they are clearly nothing but a clean hockey play. There is so much pressure from the outside that the NHL is slowly starting to fold, as always. You know why there are no rules in place for this type of thing yet? Because it's fucking bullshit and it's really hard to enforce. Remember when Scott Stevens almost killed Paul Karyia in the playoffs, when Kariya decided it was a good idea to put his head down while he cut across the blue line? No penalty. Stevens was fucking praised for that shit and it was because of hits like that he became one of my favorite players growing up. Now a days everyone's so fucking PC and is afraid of stepping on anyone's toes, not to mention the fact that everyone has somehow turned into a pussy and gets offended by anything and everything. So I can't say I'm surprised that the NHL is once again waning to pressure coming from people outside of the game of hockey that know nothing about it, but I'm still not happy about it. But anyway I guarantee if Stevens threw that exact same hit today people would be calling for him to be banned from the league. What a difference a decade makes huh?

Football players get crushed all the time and there are tons and tons of guys who's brains are almost mush by the time they retire, forcing them to live terrible lives outside of football. But you don't see people all over the news calling out the NFL to change the rules to eliminate this type of shit. No, it's part of the game they say. Well my friends these freak hits where a guy gets a concussion are part of the game too and they don't happen very often. It sucks when a guy gets hurt but I'm willing to wager dollars to doughnuts that more guys get seriously hurt every year getting slammed or slew footed into the end boards during a race on an icing than guys that get their bells rung in the open ice. Should we pad the end boards now? No they should change it to no touch icing but absolutely no one in the media aside from Don Cherry is vocal about that. But that's a topic for another time.

There is no way a "head shot" penalty is going to ever stop this type of injury from happening. There's elbowing penalties and guys still get elbowed every game. The instigator was put in place to try and phase out fighting and all it's done is slightly lower the amount of fights in a season. SLIGHTLY. They already have a checking to the head rule in the CHL, yet it still happens with just as much frequency as it did before the rule was in place. It's a full contact game. Guys are bound to smash their faces off someone's shoulder sooner or later. The only way I see to help quell this from happening as often as it does, which isn't very, is to teach kids about body contact much earlier than we do now. As soon as they can stand up on skates and chase the puck around they should be taught how to give a proper hit and more importantly how to take one. The media is, once again, making this out to be a much bigger deal than it is. It's terrible timing that 3 or 4 guys get injured this way in the span of a few weeks but let's be realistic here. It doesn't happen very often and I guarantee you we're probably going to go for a solid 2 month span before seeing another one, if not longer. The problem is not the head shots themselves, but the pussification of the game that teaches players bad habits that allow them to put themselves in a position to get hurt. Fuck the media for once again making a mountain out of a molehill. I want my hits and I want them to be hard. If a guy happens to get hurt then so be it. Collateral damage.
Keep your head up.


And a quick Sack Beating to Ray Emery's dad.



Seriously, this is Ray Emery's dad? The fucking Terrell Owens of the National Hockey League, and his dad looks like the principle of a junior high? That's unreal. His mom must be a fucking fire cracker, because this fucking guy looks like he wears his pants a little too high, drives a Hyundai and has a fucking swear jar in the kitchen. Well at least he raised a well mannered, well behaved, non-douchebag of a son. Oh, wait.


-jeanshorts

Bonsignore Citizens Brigade: Oilers @ Islanders

Save Us Eberle! We Need Some Offense!

What do you know, the Oilers shit the bed in Boston again, keeping their 13 year streak alive. Who Saw That Coming???® The boys didn't look bed shittingly bad, but they also seemed to mount no offense what so ever. The only real save Tukka Rask had to make was when Penner beaned him off the lid, in an obvious homage to Jacques Plante (In case you missed the 349045309843 hours of coverage it was the anniversary of Plante wearing the first goalie mask this weekend). Combine that with our mostly AHL defense and it was a recipe for disaster. Don't look for it to get any better tonight.

Mike Comrie has clearly been hit by the flu the worst out of anyone on the team and will miss yet another game because of it. That poor little elf. We need you buddy! Get well soon okay? I hope H. Duff has been feeding him a steady diet chicken soup, Nyquil, Cold FX and some wholesome love making, because that's probably the only thing that's keeping him alive right now.

The Oilers take the ice tonight against Islanders of Long Island. I like to think of the Islanders as the NHL's deadbeat cousin. The NHL has to take care of them because they're family and at one point they were pretty sweet, but for the last 10 years or so they've just been rotting away in the basement and refuse to leave. It's time to get a job Islanders!

Dwayne Roloson will be starting between the pipes for New York tonight and you all know what that means; he's going to make 85 saves and shut the Oilers out! And if that's not bad enough I would not be surprised if this was the game that Rob Schremp finally figured it out and potted 6 goals, all assisted by Doug Weight. I hate when we play teams with lots of former Oilers because they always seem to have career games against us, and for some reason *COUGH Kevin Lowe COUGH* it seems there's about 12 or 13 teams that have half their roster made up of former Oilers.

jeanshorts prediction: Oilers 3 - Islanders 2. Sully pots the OT winner. BOOK IT!

IQWT

GOILERS!

Sack Beating will be on it's way momentarily.

-jeanshorts

Twilight Fans Are Stupid

I have no idea what the fuck people's fascination with this Twilight shit is. So some vampire falls in love with a girl but doesn't turn her into a vampire but she ends up becoming a vampire cause she loves him or something? Maybe if I was a fat 17 year old girl I'd understand it, but I don't and I don't intend on finding out any time soon. Let me tell you though, these fucking Twilight fans are like something I've never seen before. When I was working on Peak Season (Monday's on MTV, watch it you fucking ungrateful cunts), the offices we worked in were at one of the big studios out here in Vancouver, and goth kids would sit around outside the gates all day just in case one of the Twilight people came out or something. I didn't have the heart to tell them that the Twilight movies were shooting nowhere near us. Actually fuck that, I did have the heart, I just didn't want to get my eyes scratched out by these fucking lethally crazed fans.

I also met the red head chick that got fired off the third movie at a bar one night, and she was fucking cool as can be. Bought me a round of shots and everything. If it wasn't for the fact that I was already there with another chick your boy jeanshorts probably would have had an even sweeter story about being rejected by a celebrity!

Anyway, apparently they showed a trailer for the new Twilight movie at the MTV awards a few months back and fat, ugly girls and gay dudes across the land completely lost their shit. Why? Haven't they already read the books like 50 times? They can't be surprised by anything they see in these fucking movies can they? That's like someone going into the Passion Of The Christ and coming out like "Oh fuck man I can't believe he came back to life at the end. That was such a surprise ending".

I'll tell you one thing, they're going to have to scotch guard the fuck out of theater seats across the world because if these bitches get this worked up over a 2 minute trailer then I can only imagine the amount of love juice that is going to be flying out of their clams when they see these werewolf dudes shirtless on a 200 foot screen for an hour and a half.

Please don't ask me how I stumbled across this, because I look up some random ass shit on the internet. When I'm not looking at porn or Oilers related news I usually find myself deep within the bowels of the internet. It's some dark shit. Anyway here's a sweet video compilation of some of the funnier reactions from fat bitches watching the trailer.



Look at that shit. If these chicks get this riled up over a fucking movie preview I can't imagine how they're going to react when some schmuck awkwardly inserts himself inside them for the first time. They're probably going to weep non stop for days.

Fuck Twilight, it's all Mormon propaganda anyway. But that's a story for another time.

-jeanshorts

Bonsignore Citizens Brigade: Oilers @ Bruins

Mike Milbury beats a Rangers fan with his own shoe in quite possibly the greatest hockey fight of all time.

Good morning sunshine! How's everyone feeling today? I'm not going to lie this is a preemptive strike. I'm actually writing this on Friday night because there's no way in hell I'm getting up at like 9 AM tomorrow to deal with this bullshit. Seriously what the hell is with the North Eastern American teams and their love of matinee games? There's four games before 5 pm. That's ridiculous. Even in minor hockey we stopped playing afternoon games by the time we got to Bantam.

The Oil roll out in Beantown this morning to take on a Bruins team that has been insanely underwhelming so far. I guess someone finally told Tim Thomas he was, in fact, a mediocre goalie at best. Sure he's acrobatic and fun to watch but as goalies go there are about 20 other guys I'd take before I even considered Tim Thomas. I like the guy a lot and he's one of those Rudy-esque stories about a guy toiling away in the minors until he was like 45, but at the end of the day he doesn't stop pucks with enough consistency for my liking.

We should also take into consideration the fact that the Bruins no longer have the services of Phil Kessel and have been derailed by a slough of injuries to some key guys like my favorite player Milan Lucic, and stellar centerman Marc Savard. I'm not really sure what else has gone wrong with the Bruins so far but I do know that they have played pretty terribly as of late, and they've gone from winning the East last year to being sandwiched in between two terrible teams in Tampa Bay and the Islanders. And if the playoffs started today they'd be on the outside looking in.

The Oilers on the other hand have surpassed many peoples expectations so far in this young season. It's been a fucking roller coaster ride, from playing stellar and winning 5 of 6, to being derailed by the flu and injury bug and losing 3 in a row, to last game against Detroit where Oiler fans everywhere went from being filled with utter joy for 40 minutes to almost committing suicide during the following 25. A win is a win, and I'll take it, especially considering I had counted Edmonton out of the game before it even started, but if this team is going to see any post season action this year they are going to need to learn how to play a full 60 fucking minutes. It will also be better for my own personal health if they do.

Dustin Penner is still cruising around in 6th gear, Hemsky is close behind him and the rest of the team, well, at least they didn't die from the flu. I'm pretty sure Mike Comrie is going to be back for this game finally which is a great thing, and I've been really impressed with Gilbert Brule so far this year. If those two guys, along with the likes of O'Sullivan, Gagner and Cogliano can get it going today this team will no doubt be on their way to Long Island with two more points in the bag. I just fucking pray they don't get a nice lead and then shit the bed again, because being Halloween I may just murder someones face. And no one wants that.

jeanshorts prediction: Oilers 3 - Bruins 1. BOOK IT!

IQWT

GOILERS!

So nurse your hangover in whichever way works for you, because there is some major partying to be done tonight gentlemen. Thank god we don't have a hockey game to get in the way of oogling scantily clad women, ingesting our weights worth of alcohol and stealing candy from small children. Hmm, maybe matinee games aren't so bad after all.

Happy Halloween you degenerates.

-jeanshorts

Let The Bears Pay The Bear Tax. I Pay The Homer Tax!

You know, sometimes it's scary how true to life the Simpsons' preictions can be.

Trick-or-treaters on Hudson Bay get helicopter escort, polar bear patrol
Provided by: The Canadian Press, .
By The Canadian Press

CHURCHILL, Man. - Most trick-or-treaters are well-versed in Halloween safety: travel in groups, wear colourful clothing and only stop at brightly lit homes.

But kids in Churchill, Man., need to keep in mind they have more to worry about than ghouls and goblins. Halloween is a time when polar bears are wandering around the northern community as they wait for cooler temperatures before heading out onto the frozen winter ice.

Thirty conservation, Parks Canada and RCMP officers encircle the town to make it safe for youngsters to go door to door.

Any bears are shooed away using horns, rubber bullets and cracker shells.

Mike Boychuk with the Churchill RCMP says it's a police job to keep the community safe from all predators - whether they are people or bears.

I just hope for the sake of the people of Churchill, Manitoba that there taxes didn't go up by five dollars, the greatest tax increase in history!

Happy Halloween From JSBM

Happy Halloween you fucking assholes. What's everyone dressing up as this year? I'm going as a convicted sex offender, which means I'll be going door to door to everyone in my neighborhood and letting them know, and then asking them for candy. Not that it was court ordered or anything.....

Anyway since Rusty has been working harder than a slave in 1850's Georgia with his real "job" I took it upon myself to sniff out some tastefully slutty Halloween costumes. So if your lady hasn't decided on something yet make her wear one of these!















Don't get too sick eating all your kids candy you lazy sons of bitches.

-jeanshorts

Bonsignore Citizens Brigade: Wings @ Oilers

Oh, hey look it's another game day. Normally I'd be super jazzed for such an occasion but with the way the Oilers have been playing as of late I can't find too many things to be excited about. Half the defense is out with one ailment or another, everyone's continuing to be ravaged by the flu, Quinn is still forced to juggle the lines to try and figure out a way to stop the bleeding until everyone is back at 100%, the entire team has looked insanely shitty and slow the last 4 games and the Detroit Fucking Red Wings are in town.

Actually it's probably not a terrible thing for the Oilers to be playing the Wings tonight. Detroit has looked incredibly lackluster through 10 games so far. I guess that's what happens when you make it to the Stanley Cup Finals two years in a row. The hangover is bound to take it's toll sooner or later. The biggest flop for Detroit thus far has been their goaltending. Chris Osgood has always been one of those goalies that no one can figure out if he's good or not. On one hand he's won 3 cups, is 10th all time in wins, and he's won 2 Jenning's Trophies. On the other hand he's had incredibly talented teams in front of him, has had plenty of stretches where he lets in 3 or 4 goals on 10 shots and has had far too many nights where he looks like he should be wrapping up his career in the AHL. All I know is that right now he looks shitty and that can only mean good things for the Oilers tonight.

Vishnovsky is out with the flu but thankfully Quinn finally got as fed up with Gilbert and Grebeshkov as the rest of us and has split them up. So instead of those two coughing up the puck 30 times a game hopefully that number will be reduced to somewhere around 25 or so. Quinn has also decided to split up the Gagner - Hemsky - Penner line, instead going with Shawn Horcoff back as the 1C and trying to rekindle the 2008 magic that was the kid line of Cogliano - Gagner - Nilsson. If the first 13 games, and really the last season and a half, have taught us anything it's that Shawn Horcoff has looked really terrible offensively. So this could go one of two ways; either Penner and Hemsky continue to roll and they finally give Horcoff a much needed spark, or Horcoff brings both of them down and this team continues to slowly spiral down the shitter.

And I really, really, really need Patrick O'Sullivan to kick this fucking monkey off his back and start potting some goals, because otherwise I'm going to look like an asshole for picking him as my star. The Oilers haven't scored a goal in 2 games, and haven't managed to score a goal 5 on 5 in the last 3 so it's time for somebody, anybody to fucking step up and turn this teams fortune around. Fuck, things look bleak right now but there is no way that it can stay like this forever. Eventually everyone's going to get over this super flu and we'll have all our regulars back in the lineup and things will start clicking again like they were at the beginning of October. I hope tonight is the night where the ship starts to right itself again. If not we may be in for a long November. You know how I know things are going bad for the Oilers right now? My dad was sending me text messages yesterday, beaking me about how shitty the Oilers are and how the Leafs are turning things around. That's how bad things are.

jeanshorts prediction; Oilers 4 - Wings 3. BOOK IT!

IQWT

GOILERS!

-jeanshorts

Terminator 2 Rap

I'm going to let you in on a not so secret about your man jeanshorts. Terminator 2 is hands down my favorite movie of all time. My family had this pirated VHS copy taped off of Super Channel, and I watched the shit out of that thing. It wouldn't be a stretch to say I've seen that movie somewhere around 200 times. I used to be able to quote along with pretty much the entire movie when I was like 11. Thank god I had cool parents that didn't give a fuck if I watched R rated movies.


This video is fucking sweet, even in spite of the fact that it's made by a couple fucking Brits. Enjoy you fucking mooks. There's not much to be happy about on this horrible Wednesday morning. Fucking Oilers.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

-jeanshorts