JSBM Presents: 2010 Super Bowl Commercials

Remember when Super Bowl commercials used to be awesome? Sometimes they were, as the annoying assholes now-a-days say "epic". Every year such an insane deal is made about these commercials. There are people who only watch the Super Bowl just to see these commercials. Apparently these people have never heard of Youtube. The cost of the commercials continues to sky rocket. Pretty soon it's going to cost 5 million dollars for 30 seconds of add space during the Super Bowl. But, unfortunately, the skyrocketing costs do not match the quality of these ads.

Case in point. I was coming on here with the intention of posting every Super Bowl commercial, or at the very least all the awesome ones, in order to try and draw as many hits as I could to this here website. In the wrestling world that's known as "cheap heat". So I sat there, wide eyed and full of anticipation of the onslaught of awesome that I was about to unleash on myself.

And I enjoyed two commercials. Two. I guess that's a poor choice of words. There were a few that I enjoyed. But only two I legitimately laughed at, and only two I felt needed to be shared. Boy was there some fucking stinkers this year. Jay Leno, Oprah and David Letterman sitting on a couch? OHMYGOD THAT'S SO FUCKING HILARIOUS BECAUSE THEY ARE SUPER FAMOUS! Three celebrities that I recognize sitting on a couch together, hilariously bickering??? HOW COULD YOU GO WRONG???!!!!!

Three guys using their truck to dump a whale back into the ocean, and then they pull out "Now THAT was a bachelor party"! I tore my asshole wide open laughing so hard, because I've seen the Hangover, and they also have a wild bachelor party, and that movie made me laugh so this commercial makes me laugh too!! REMEMBER HOW HILARIOUS THE HANGOVER WAS???????

Just fucking brutal this year. Seems to me that the world has gotten so over pussified and stupid for some reason that all these companies are taking the safest route. Which, whatever, that's fine. You don't want to piss too many people off because that's going to severely hurt your business, and I get that. But don't throw Kiss and some midget doppelgangers into a commercial, put it on during the Super Bowl and try and tell me it's anything more than a lame duck attempt to cash in on what little celebrity status Kiss is still clinging onto. It was a shitty, uninspired, unoriginal commercial.

Maybe I'm just cynical and jaded and cranky and shitty, but I remember when, for the most part, Super Bowl commercials were amazing and it's all anyone talked about for the first few days after they aired. Now anyone with a million dollars can throw whatever piece of shit they want on the air and all of a sudden they're part of the spectacle. It's bullshit.

Anyway, why am I even complaining about this? I wasn't forced to watch them. They're fucking commercials. Get over it you loser. I guess I just like to complain for the sake of complaining sometimes. So to turn things around here are the only Super Bowl commercials I legitimately liked (and no I didn't just like the Motorola one because Megan Fox is in it, though that didn't hurt at all). Although I could have done without the T-Pain cameo at the end of the Bud Light one. Seriously can't we just let this guys career die a quick, painless death and move on already?

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Motorola - Megan Fox | Viral/Other | SPIKE.com

Oh, that Betty White Snickers commercial was pretty sweet too. If only for the fact that Betty White is SO DAMN FINE!

-jeanshorts

Bonsignore Citizens Brigade: Oilers @ Avalanche

Remember that one goal Robert Nilsson scored this year? I sure hope they extend his contract.

We're better than the Bruins! Well, sort of. Seriously how are the Bruins this streaky/this horrible? I know they've had to deal with some injuries this year, but man. What a fall from grace that is. This is a team that was pegged by many to win the Cup last year, and now they're 2 points out of the playoffs and are 0-6-4 in their last 10. The Oilers on the other hand have a sterling 2-7-1 record to their name. Eat that Beantown!

That has nothing to do with tonight's game, but it was really the only silver lining I could find in this pile of shit. The Oilers played alright for about 40 minutes or so last game, and then proceeded to deploy the "shit the bed" style that they seem to have mastered this season under Pat Quinn and Tom Renney. Who wants to bet that those guys have a suicide pact, and if next season is anywhere near as bad as this one they just end it all? It can't be good on their hearts, especially Quinn.

Anyway an absolutely shitacular effort by JDD let the Wild jump out to a 3-2 lead in the third period, and then a beautiful pass from POS to Martin Havlat or someone sealed the deal as Havlat finished off a textbook give and go with "Letsundress".

It's the same thing we've seen all year. Actually scratch that. It's the same thing we saw for the first month of the season or so, and sadly, it's a step up from what we've seen out of the Oilers for the entire month of January. What I'm talking about is their penchant for playing really well for the first period, and usually the second, and then completely shutting off in the third, regardless if they're leading or not. But like I said it's a nice change of pace to see them playing well for an entire period.

The Oilers walk into the Pepsi Center in Denver tonight to take on the Avs, who, against all conceivable science and logic, are 6th in the Western Conference and 2nd in the Northwest. Wha? You're telling me they are icing a team who's combined age is like 76 and they're having insane success? They only have 11 guys on their roster over the age of 25. And a few of them are hurt so it's more like 8 guys on their active roster right now. Combine that with the inexplicably stellar play of Craig Anderson (who?) and we've got ourselves a "Perfect Storm" scenario. Everything just seems to be falling in line for the Avs. Where as on the other side of the coin the Oilers have been trying to jam a square peg into an obtuse triangle shaped hole, and contrary to popular opinion, it's not working.

I have something to confess real quick. From 1995 to about 2001 I was a staunch Colorado Avalanche supporter *waits 9 minutes for the gasps to subside* Yes friends, when I was but a wee lad I had to be "that guy". The one kid who refused to cheer for the Oilers like everyone else in my school. So I guess you could say I've been an annoying asshole most of my life. What about those lost years, 1993-1995, you ask? I was, ahem, a "Mighty Duck" fan....

Whatever I was 7 years old, the first movie was probably the greatest thing I had seen at the time, and they were the hot new franchise. Get off my back! And besides it's not like I made a shitty choice with either team really. Paul Kariya was awesome to watch back then, and then when I jumped ship to the Avs they won a fucking Stanley Cup in their first season. How could I go wrong? And it's not like I picked a horrible time to not cheer for my hometown team. Remind me again what happened between '93 and 2001? Some of the darkest days in Oilers franchise history? Not that I missed any of the good moments during those years mind you. I remember watching the Cujo save/Marchant OT goal in my friend Joel's basement and that memory is still pretty vivid. I just didn't have a vested interest in the Oilers at the time.

But don't fret my friends. Just because I was jumping ships left and right like I was pillaging them when I was younger does not mean I'm going to be evacuating the good ship Oiler anytime soon. I started to smarten up in high school and finally fulfilled my destiny of becoming the greatest Oiler fan of all time*! I will continue to cheer for them during the dizzying highs (I.E 2006 Cup run) and the soul crushing lows (right now). And tonight, in my honor, I expect the Oilers to go out and run a train on these Avalanche a-holes! Remember when Sam "Great White Hope" Gagner scored his first career hat trick last year in Denver? In that hilarious 8-1 drubbing of the Avs? I'm smelling a repeat! But fuck 8 goals, let's double it! 16-1 boys! 16 TO FUCKING 1! I mean this Avs team is just a fluke right? They have to come crashing back down to earth sometime, and tonight is the night!

jeanshorts prediction: Oilers 16 - Avs 1

TylerSeguin

IQWT

-jeanshorts


*not really.

Sexy Super Bowl Soiree (Featuring Jesus)

I'm busy, and lazy, and it's a bad mix when it comes to me entertaining you people with my hilarious and perfect writing. I ran across this yesterday and it made me laugh. And it's just in time for the Super Bowl. If this thing becomes the next Chocolate Rain I'm taking full credit.




Would anyone be surprised if these dudes just wanted an excuse to make out with each other? If not, that's some fucking dedication to the game let me tell you.

Have a good weekend honkies.

-jeanshorts

EDIT: So, umm, Freeze just brought this to my attention, and I still don't really know what to make of it. I'm just glad that stupid asshole is wasting away on a beach somewhere so we didn't have to hear about this until now.

http://foodcourtlunch.com/?p=2570

http://www.thestar.com/news/ontario/article/760654--so-we-drink-milk-from-bags-does-that-make-us-weird?bn=1

Bonsignore Citizens Brigade: Wild @ Oilers

My boyfriend is one of the only good players on this team, and is only slighter taller than me.

Is it just me, or does it feel like there's been a shit ton of hockey played in the last couple weeks? I guess it didn't help that January seemed like the longest month of Oilers hockey in the history of the world. And of course, just when I'm hitting my breaking point, and almost completely stopped caring about the 2009/2010 Oilers, they go ahead and hastily glue together 2 wins in a row. Good work boys. Really know when to come through in the clutch.

I'm just going to go ahead and assume the Oilers read JSBM every day. How else could you explain me ripping into them once again, running my mouth about how the Oilers won't even get 20 wins this season, and now they're only 2 away. They were probably sitting there thinking "Well fuck, how embarrassing is it that this guy who barely has a high school education is ripping into us. We better pick it up." And then they go out and win. End scene.

As hard as I was/am riding the DFF bandwagon it is nice to see the boys win a couple. And hell, to top it all off they have been playing really well lately. What the fuck is going on? None of this makes any sense! Last second heroics? A shutout???? I can't even wrap my brain around it. On the flip side though this recent success is making me the slightest bit uneasy. The Oilers are still in 30th place, but are now only 3 points back of Carolina and 5 points back of Toronto. If we're not careful here the Oilers could be in 28th place by next week!

And I'm having a hard time figuring out what the best course of action is here for the Oilers. I want Tyler Seguin, so if we end up with the number 2 pick in the draft, then that would be perfect. Actually, scratch that, that would be ideal. What would be perfect is if the Oilers finish 29th, ahead of the Leafs. We get the number two pick, Boston can take Taylor Hall, and I win my bet because I always knew in my heart of hearts that the Oilers were going to be better than the Leafs this year, regardless of how small the margin.

Really though, as long as the Oilers finish no higher than 28th, I think we'll all have a reason to celebrate. I mean, would getting Cam Fowler be that horrible? No, no it wouldn't. Cam Fowler isn't the hottest chick in the bar, but he's hotter than any girl the Oilers have hooked up with in the last while. So at the end of the day, getting a potential future franchise defenseman is pretty much a win/win. (See Doughty, Drew).

Still, I hope the Oilers win every once and a while, keeping pace with Carolina and Toronto so we don't look so over the top retarded. But at the same time they can't be stealing too many games, fucking themselves out of a good pick, which they seem to love to do.

I'm excited for the trade deadline. And not because I hope the Oilers land some players for next season. The complete opposite. I don't want the Oilers to pick up any players whatsoever. I just want them to clear the toilet bowl of useless/semi-useless players on inflated contracts (as many as they can anyway). That way, just maybe, Tambo can have some money to play with this summer to finally land that ever elusive, third line centerman who can win face offs and kill penalties, and a stay at home defenceman. Maybe even an NHL starting goalie. Dare to dream right? And with those extra roster spots opened up we can bring in some of the kids, MPS, Eberle, (insert stud draft pick) and maybe even some kids already on the farm like Peckham and Plante, and see if they sink or swim. It's not like this kind of experimenting is going to cost this team a playoff spot. If they finish better than 10th in the West next year I'll be surprised.

The Oilers are playing Minnesota tonight and for the first time in as long as I can remember the opposing team isn't starting their backup against the Oilers! No, we get to face their third string goalie! Wade Dubielewicz (who I will always fondly remember for shutting the door against the Devils in the last game of 2007, which made the Leafs miss the playoffs by one point) has been recalled from the AHL after both Minnesota goalies somehow went down with injuries. God I wish Dubnyk was starting tonight, so we could witness the battle of the Duby's! (Gene Principe must be rolling in his grave) For some reason I get the feeling that Sam Gagner is going to have a GOOD game tonight. First career hat trick? Yes.

jeanshorts prediction: Oilers 4 - Wild 1.

TylerSeguin

IQWT

-jeanshorts

Bonsignore Citizens Brigade: Flyers @ Oilers

"I had a pretty decent game against the Flyers once." -Wayne G.

Has everyone recovered from THE GREATEST DAY OF ALL TIME on Monday? It only took them a month, but Lowe and behold the Oilers got their first win of 2010! It's just too bad we'll have to wait until September for them to get their second win. Tyler Seguin with 4 points in his first game. Anyone? Anyone??

The Flyers are on fire. The Oilers are the opposite of on fire. And I'm not talking about water. I'm talking about if you literally turned fire inside out and it was somehow cold to the touch, like liquid nitrogen. The Oilers are like the T-1000 in Terminator 2 after he gets doused in liquid nitrogen! Don't touch them because they're super brittle and could explode into a million tiny pieces at any moment. But unfortunately for the Oilers those pieces can't melt into liquid, squiggle across the ground and rebuild themselves into a working T-1000 again. No my friends, only Steve Tambellini can take these minuscule shards of a hockey team and put them back together to form something that works again.
*face palm*

I'd like to flip the script here a little, if I may. Can anyone tell me which Jr. phenom is leading the CHL in scoring right now? If you guessed Taylor Hall, you'd be fucking wrong. He's in second. Tyler Seguin is the correct answer. Like I've said before I would kill to have either of these kids wearing Oiler silks next season, but Tambo/Oiler scouts, if you have any decency left in your body after this soul crushing season, you'll do us all a favor and take my boy Tyler. There's something about Hall that makes me nervous. I don't know what it is, but it's there. Maybe I just don't trust his weird face.

Oh, and before I forget, does anyone know who else is in the top 5 for CHL scoring? Jordan Fucking Eberle. Boner's for everyone! It's going to be a fun year next year, regardless of how shitty the Oilers still are. Gagner - Penner - Hemsky, Seguin - Eberle - Cogliano? I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it! (Although this team already has too many fucking centers. I hope some of these little dudes learn how to play wing soon).

Apparently some guy that used to play for the Oilers and then booked it out of town as soon as he got his dink a little dirty (Tiger Woods should have taken some notes) is back tonight. This is probably a minor story, considering no former Oiler has ever come back to shove it up the ass of his former team. And it's not like this dude who's name is escaping me at the moment lead the Oilers to within 2 goals of the Stanley Cup or anything, only to skip town 2 weeks later.
(That was easily the worst season I've had as a hockey fan, roller coaster of emotions wise. My favorite player gets traded to my favorite team, leads said team to game 7 of the SCF, and then demands a trade, all in one season? I'm surprised my heart still works).

So the Dakins have taken off to greener pastures for the night, Poo Czar probably has some kind of glory hole engagement he has to get to, Towel Boy has a "family" (yeah, okay), and Rusty is MIA, presumed dead. Looks like it's going to be another two man party tonight.

jeanshorts prediction: Flyers 5 - Oilers 2. Jordan Eberle gets lowered from the rafters right before the puck drop, scores 2 goals in less than 30 seconds, then is immediately encased in bronze and cemented into place in front of the future RX2 site.

TylerSeguin

IQWT

-jeanshorts

EDIT: Here's a little ditty I just stumbled across. Apparently POS took part in the February Hair Massacre charity they do every year for cancer. Even though I loathe his lackluster play with all my being this season, you have to give him some props for this.

Bonsignore Citizens Brigade: Hurricanes @ Oilers

This still stings a bit, but it makes me laugh.

Winless in January. Say it with me kids "Winless, in, January". It's been 34 days since the Edmonton Oilers won a hockey game, or the way I like to think about it, it's been 34 days since the Oilers didn't lose a game. When do the Olympics start? At least then I can start getting super pumped up to watch hockey again, if only for 2 weeks.

Today was supposed to be a hilariously tragic battle of the basement as the (at the time) 29th place Hurricanes "blew" into town to take on the 30th place Edmonton Oilers. Well the Hurricanes have won 4 in a row, have a 7 point lead on the Oilers and sit comfortably in 28th, battling with the Leafs for who is less crappy.

The Oilers on the other hand are in a whole different tax bracket when it comes to the worst teams in the NHL. I was driving the DFF bandwagon pretty hard since about December, but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine the Oilers being this horrendously bad. I'm not being sarcastic in any way when I say that I would not be shocked in the slightest if the Oilers finished the season with less than 20 wins. It's a pretty huge stretch, but it's already February and there's only 3 teams with less than 20 wins; The Canes, the Leafs and the Oilers. And with a Hurricanes win tonight that only leaves 2.

And it's not like the Oilers played nothing but the Sharks and the Hawks all January. There were more than a few winnable games. Hell there was like 3 or 4 games that they were winning, only to shit the bed in usual Oiler fashion late in the third, giving away another undeserved win.

I'm not normally one to buy into conspiracy theories, but perhaps David S is on to something here. How else can you explain both Zack Stortini and Mike Comrie being healthy scratches on Saturday? You're going into a game that everyone was expecting to be at the very least a hard fought, chippy, physical game, so you leave out your biggest agitator/fighter and a shrimp who battles hard, gets his nose dirty and isn't afraid to drop the mits? Yeah, makes perfect sense to me. All the cards were aligned perfectly for an Oilers win that night.....

Can anyone honestly say you're dropping 12 bucks tonight to watch this garbage on PPV? If you are then you must have lost your marbles a long time ago, or are some kind of crazy masochist, or you have way too much money to waste, and you should give it to me instead. I'm probably going to end up listening to this one via CHED so at least I can chuckle while Rod tears the team a new asshole for being this horribly bad. You think he wishes he would have retired last summer?

I think I'm just going to write a canned BCB post and just plug in the name of whoever the Oilers are playing that night. It'd probably sound something like this;

"The Oilers play the (insert team) tonight. And while (insert team) has been doing pretty lackluster lately sporting a (insert mediocre 10 game record) the Oilers are still haven't won a game in 2010, extending their winless streak to (insert suicidally large number). (Insert appropriate goalie initials) gets the start tonight, and against all odds he still hasn't packed his bags and sent himself back down to Springfield, where they've at least won games this month, let alone this year. We're in for another rough night tonight friends as (insert the names of players) are all hurt so the Oilers have been forced to recall (insert names of Edmonton Oil Kings/U of A Golden Bears/Panda's that no one has ever heard of) just to ice enough players for tonight's game."

Jarome Iginla viciously attacked Sheldon Souray on Saturday night, breaking Souray's hand with his face. So just in case we were all thinking "well at least this season couldn't get any worse", it did. Now, if we could all please stop thinking that, we don't need Pat Quinn keeling over in the middle of the second period after thecaptainethanmoreau takes another penalty behind the opposing teams net. It's going to be a long night tonight fellas, so lets all keep each other from clawing our own eyes out by making hilarious poop jokes all night. It's up to you to hold this fanbase together during these dark times.

IQWT

DFF

-jeanshorts