In Defense Of The Bieber

As is our god-given responsibility as living, breathing human beings, every single one of us celebrated Justin Bieber's 18th birthday yesterday. And what a day it was! People sang in the streets! Underage girls of all shapes, sizes and ethnicities cried hysterically for no reason! Cake was eaten and then later purged! But alas, not everyone is down with the cause.

Some horrible, HORRIBLE excuse for a human being had the gall to post THIS on their Facebook, and unfortunately it leaked into and contaminated my own feed. They even dared to include the caption "RIP Music"!! I'll warn you, just taking a simple glance at it is mentally taxing.

Please, take your time recuperating. I completely understand. 

There are others like this but I urge all of you not to do something insane like actively go look for others. 

Alright, now let's take a look at ALL of the things that are completely wrong with this horrific, insensitive, and just plain mean spirited picture. First, comparing JB to a wannabe like Tupac? The guy spelled his name with a number for pete's sake! Also, have you ever heard 2upac sing? Yeah, didn't think so. However, have you ever heard Bieber rap? Yeah, that's right Twopawk, JB can SING and RAP! AND DANCE! U EVR SCENE 2PAK DANCE??????? NO!!!! I SEEN BEEBAR DU IT THO! 

And now for something slightly different...

In all seriousness though I think it's hilarious that every time a new pop star or group or what-have-you comes along throngs of people throw their hands up in the air and exclaim things like "THIS IS THE END OF MUSIC!" or "THERE'S NO GOOD MUSIC ANYMORE!!". And while I agree that this notion of pre-fabricated signers and groups, becoming hyper-successful and popular by performing songs written by (and sometimes performed by) other people is incredibly lame, let's not pretend this type of incredibly simple, easy to digest, teen oriented pop music hasn't been around for-fucking-ever.

Let's take a look at these lyrics from a song that came out in 1962:

Love, love me do
You know I love you
I'll always be true
So please, love me do
Whoa, love me do

Love, love me do
You know I love you
I'll always be true
So please, love me do
Whoa, love me do

Someone to love
Somebody new
Someone to love
Someone like you

Love, love me do
You know I love you
I'll always be true
So please, love me do
Whoa, love me do

Love, love me do
You know I love you
I'll always be true
So please, love me do
Whoa, love me do
Yeah, love me do
Whoa, oh, love me do

That's the entire fucking song. And if you don't already know by now, do you know who's song that is? The fucking Beatles! Paul McCartney and John Lennon, some of the greatest song writers in history wrote that song. They used 16 different words. At the very least Bieber's verses aren't all just a variation of the fucking chorus. And Ludacris drops in for a verse! How can a song featuring Ludacris be bad?? Saying something like that would be absolutely....mental!

So, I mean, really, if the biggest selling band of all time (over ONE BILLION albums sold!), a band who's seen more top 10 lists than David Letterman, a band who are arguably one of the best, and definitely one of the most influential in all of music history can write a pop song that could easily be mistaken for a grade 6 poetry project then what the fuck does THAT say about music? By this metric it must mean music has been dead for close to 100 years! (My math may be a little off).

Everyone just needs to start taking a breath and stop being so hyper-vigilant over stuff we perceive is shitty. Just the idea of Jersey Shore makes me want an asteroid to finally destroy earth once and for all, and for that reason I don't fucking watch it. Imagine that. What a concept! Although, thanks to social media it's impossible to escape it all (definitely wanted to start my week learning that Snooki was pregnant! Thanks Facebook and Twitter!) but with even the most minimal of effort you can pretty much void your life of any and all of this kind of stuff. No one is forcing you to listen to Justin Bieber, so please stop forcing me to listen to how much you hate him. It's just like that one Treehouse Of Horror episode where all those gigantic product spokesthings come to life and terrorize Springfield, if you don't pay attention to them they lose all their power. "Just don't look! Just don't look!" Go home and try it. Exercise your life of Justin Bieber, or other pop-culture phenomena you hate. You'll start feeling much better!

Tune in again next week when I present part one of my 600 part dissertation titled "Nickleback isn't really THAT bad, you guys. Just give them a chance".

(Also, this was NOT meant to be an attack on the Biebs. That kid has got crazy fucking talent and anyone who says otherwise is just JEALOUS! He still looks like a lesbian though.)