Oh, Canada, what happened? That had to have been one of the worst weekends in Canadian sporting history. Not only did we lose to the dastardly/semi-handicapped evil empire of America at iced hockey, but it seems like everyone of our skiers and speed-skaters choked. Manuel Osborne-Paradis, part of the Canadian Cowboys, who finger banged his first girl on the same part of the mountain they are using for gate number 4 or whatever didn't even finish the Super G race and finished 17th in the mens downhill. So much for growing up on the mountain huh? And don't even get me started on the ever vaunted Hamelin brothers. Charles came into the 1000 meter final on Sunday owning the world record and the home ice advantage. He even had his brother Francois in the race to throw up a block for him so he could cruise to the easy victory. They got out to a huge, early lead, and then blew it on the last couple of laps, finishing 4th and 5th. Just fucking awesome. The boys, and mostly Charles, have a chance to redeem themselves in the 500m and the 5000m relay. You better not choke this one away you French bastards!
Just a disappointing weekend all around. At least our curlers are decimating everyone that gets in their way. I can't believe there would ever be a day when I thought a curler was sexy, but Kevin Martin is a pimp out there on the sheet! Oh and I guess that Cheryl chick is pretty cool too.
Speaking of curling, check this shit out. It's a picture of Danish skip/hot looking-yet kind of mean looking Madeleine Dupont. She's also got an older sister on the team, and they look almost like twins. Did I mention I'm really into curling right now? Between these chicks, Cheryl Bernard and my new obsession Eve Muirhead I'm officially in love with this shit. Big ups to our friend themenacer for hooking a brother up, and really making his day so far. If you're not following him on Twitter, you should, because he's a bad ass and he'll send you links to shit like this. It's win/win/win!
Alright, back to the topic at hand. Tonight is a big game for Canada in the sense that if they lose this the entire city of Vancouver will burn to the ground. And I'm sure other people will help me burn shit too, so who knows how far this thing could stretch. Abbotsford? Hope? Dawson Creek? Things could get out of hand real fast, so if these boys have any pride in their country, they'll go out and win tonight so we won't have to destroy it to teach them a lesson. Let's see Patrick Marleau try to enjoy living in California while the Canadian Shield crumbles into dust! Not very likely!
Thankfully though we are strapping up to take on the Germans tonight. And I don't think the Germans have ever been good at anything other than manufacturing well made automobiles, producing real high end poo related pornography, and killing millions and millions of Jews. So I'd like to think we have the upper hand in tonight's hockey match. The fact that they only have 6 NHL players on their roster doesn't hurt either.
Rick Nash needs to score a goal or 3 tonight. Dude has been crushing everything on skates, been powerforwarding the fuck out of everyone else on the ice and he's playing with Sidney Fucking Crosby. He is due for a huge game. And you know who else is due for a huge game? Everyone else on the roster. You guys have had a couple games to gel now, work out all the bugs, get used to the systems, find some chemistry, etc, etc. Time to finally dust off your A-game and get it finely tuned for impending match up with the Russians on Wednesday.
I have to humbly admit that I've really been enjoying my crow the last couple days. For the last few weeks I have been arguing with my buddy about who should be the starting goalie for Team Canada. "Roberto Luongo" he would scream at me in between drags of his cigarette. "He's the goalie of right NOW. Brodeur is past his prime." To which I would retort "Have you seen what happens to Luongo when the heat is on? He wilts faster than my penis when those Clara Hughes Cold FX commercials come on. Brodeur is arguably the greatest goalie of all time. How can you go wrong?" But wrong you went, and Team Canada is sitting in 6th place right now because of less than stellar goaltending from Martin Brodeur. Clearly Luongo should have gotten the nod and we paid for it. But although that loss to the Americans was hard to swallow, I'm not too worried. They can beat their chest about that huge win all they want. After all, if you're going to finish 4th you want something to take out of the tournament. You may have won the battle America, but we'll send you a postcard from the top of the podium. We don't like to forget the little guys that helped us get where we are. Oh, and I guess you guys can also enjoy the 8934098340 medals your country is going to win by the time the Olympics are over. Own The Podium indeed.
In conclusion, is it just me, or does Team Germany head coach, and former boyhood hero of mine Uwe Krupp look exactly like The Scarecrow from Batman Begins? Yes, yes he does.
jeanshorts prediction: Canada 6 - Germany 0
GO CANADA GO!
IYWT
-jeanshorts
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