Saturday, December 19, 2009

Bonsignore Citizens Brigade: Capitals @ Oilers

By the power of Gretzky let the Oilers at least be competitive tonight.

It's no secret that I'm fucking amazing. I'll let you all bask in my greatness for a second. Now I'm pretty sure I don't have some kind of metaphysical, psychic or any other form of freak ability. But more often than not I find myself correctly predicting the future. Take, for instance, this quote from December 15th, 2009: So the Oilers found a way to be successful and consistent on the road. You know what that means; they're inevitably going to start playing like ass all the time at home! Now, I'm not one to hastily pull out an "I told you so" but I feel this moment calls for one. So, I told you so.

Yes, to the surprise of absolutely no one the Oilers came home from their five game road winning streak and laid out two craptacular efforts against the Kings and Predators. Actually that's not entirely correct. The Kings game was a decent effort, but the Oilers managed to lose the game off of a mental lapse or 20, as we've seen them do pretty consistently for the last couple of seasons. The Predators game, however, was a 600 pound turd wrapped in festive paper made out of used toilet tissue. I'm actually relived I didn't get a chance to watch the game, but rather spent my time cracking up listening to Rod The Bod dish out some vitriol toward Patrick O'Sullivan, the horrible reffing and the plan ol' shitty effort by the Oilers. 15 dollars well spent by you poor souls who shelled out some coins to watch it on your Pays Per Viewing Box® I guess.

The Oilers are playing the Capitals tonight. Ugh. The only, and I mean only, silver lining when it comes to facing the Caps lately is that with Semyon Varlamov on the shelf they've been forced to go with Jose "I made out with Paris Hilton one time" Theodore and some guy from the AHL with an unpronounceable name. Needless to say it's not the scariest goaltending tandem in the league. The Leafs shelled the Caps for 6 goals, so why can't the Oilers? Oh, that's right, because they've been sucking harder than a Nickleback/Creed/Good Charlotte super group. The Caps are 7-3 in their last 10 and are looking to become the first team to reach 50 points this season. I wonder what the odds are for an Oilers win tonight?

It looks like there's a lot of you heading to Rexall tonight, and for that I say fuck you, but in the nicest way possible. Hopefully I'll get the chance to check out some live, crappy Oilers hockey when I'm back in town. Oh weird, the Oilers play the Leafs on the 30th? If anyone, say a family member, was looking to buy me a Christmas present, a pair of tickets to this game would be warmly received. Anyway, those of you heading to the game better have your IQWT shirts lint rolled, your positive vibes flowing, and your cocaine beers in hand, because not only do the Oilers need all the help than can get tonight, but it's probably going to be a long night fellas.

jeanshorts prediction: Caps 16 - Oilers .3

GOILERS!

IQWT

-jeanshorts

EDIT: Also, if you guys haven't had a chance to check out this CBC All Access thing, you should tonight because it's so fucking cool. It's a 360 degree camera that sits between the benches and you can play with it all night while the game goes on. It's set up in Rexall tonight and I'll be watching purely to see steam emanating from Pat Quinn's ears as Ovechkin scores his 8th goal of the night off of Ryan Potulny's face. Check it out RIGHT HERE!
Hatched by Jeanshorts And Baggedmilk at 5:01 PM
Labels: , , , , , , , ,

129 Say Your Piece:

  1. How fucking cool is that CBC All Access thing hey? Just finished watching the warm-up practice, which I'm too lazy to catch whenever I have game tickets. Did you notice they have TV's embedded in the bench the players sit on? Wonder what that's all about?

    Anyways, this game has all the makings of a debacle of monumental proportions. I'm not even going to hazard a guess at the score. Whatever, its gonna be brutal.*

    *Applies inverse outcome prediction black magic mumbo jumbo, thus assuring an upset victory*
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  2. It's so they can point out all the garbage turn overs during the game, instead of saving all of them for one big tornado of yelling and disappointment during the video meeting the next day or whatever.
    They were talking about how the Leafs implemented this video on the bench thing, but I'm pretty sure the Oilers have had it since at least 2002.
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  3. Also how the fuck am I supposed to watch both the Cowboys AND the Oilers lose at the same time?

    Although the Cowboys are out to a nice lead so far. I doubt it's going to last though. Fucking Saints.
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  4. And what the fuck is this shit about not having Oilers Nation pre-arranged gold section tickets when you come in for the holidays? I thought you boys were so connected that at the very minimum you'd be watching the game with Brownlee in the press box. You know, with all the hot dogs and popcorn you could gullet, along with a private beer tap of RX1 cocaine beer.

    If not that, you sure as fuck better be getting the best hookers in Edmonton and a stretch limo to take you and Dakin to the Pint.

    *Assumes Oilers Nation writers are god damn loaded to the tits celebrity playas*
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  5. The Cowboys? Christ man. Get your god damn priorities straight. Watching the Oilers get submarined takes precedence over an entertaining NFL game up here in Canada.
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  6. This is very true. I'll switch back between commercials.

    Hey CBC, fuck you for making me enjoy Nickleback when you set their Elton John cover to exciting hockey clips. God does it ever pump me up.
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  8. Ha ha! We get the Washington backup goaltender.

    NO RESPECT!!!
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  9. And now we get to watch him post his first career shutout!

    Man I've got the set up right now. I've got the Oilers game on the TV with the Cowboys game in picture in picture. Then I've got this, the ON GDB thread and the CBC all access open on the computer. I feel like such a nerd. A sport loving nerd, but a nerd.
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  10. "There's Horcoff, a soft wrist shot."

    And so it begins.
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  11. Atta go Storts! Get the mucking started early.
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  12. Another give away at our own blue line leads to another scoring chance. Starting the game awesome. Great play by Grebeshkov. Fuck.
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  13. What a save. Semin got stopped on a penalty shot yesterday too. Someone is snakebit on breakaways! Oh, shit.
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  15. Horcoff needs some time with a shooter tutor.
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  16. God damn Caps. Every mistake we make ends up with a shot on net.
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  17. Hmm, I guess that's what "good" hockey teams do huh? Capitalize on garbage mistakes by the other team.
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  18. I live in Edmonton, so forgive me if I'm not familiar with "good" hockey teams.
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  19. ~The Rexall ice looks fucking awesome!~
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  20. At least we have heritage and championships and culture and Hall Of Famers, etc, back home in Alberta. These poor Canuck schlubs have absolutely nothing. Outside of a handful of NW Division Championship banners, which they'll gladly point out to you.
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  21. Those poor Canuck schlubs have a hockey team that's in a playoff spot.
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  22. They're still in 10th. And they should be at least 7th, but they're shitting their season away much like the Oilers are. The only difference is they have "skill" and can "win" games.
    I'm excited for their 16 game road trip or whatever to see how badly they shit the bed.
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  23. Actually scratch that, the only reason the Canucks aren't in the DFF with the Oilers is Roberto Luongo.
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  24. O'Sullivan looks like he's trying to run when he starts to pick up speed. Tiny, choppy strides.

    And I'm beginning to think that Penner yaps a lot to the refs, because he's been getting no respect from the stripes lately.
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  25. O'Sullivan skates with his ass super high up in the air. Fucking gayest stride I've ever seen.
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  26. I think there's a Penner dart board in the ref's locker room.
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  27. Well I didn't think it was possible to turn the puck over that many times in such a small amount of time, but Horcoff proved me wrong once again.
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  28. Holy shit JDD brought his A-game tonight. Fuck sakes.
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  30. Penner gets a holding call while dragging a Capital off him. Yeah. That makes sense. Fuck. It's going to be one of those nights. Two games in a row for the same bullshit.
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  31. WHAT THE FUCK????????

    2 minutes for being too strong?

    The fix is certainly in.
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  32. I guess the one good thing is that Penner is going to be PISSED the rest of the game.
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  33. Moreau. WHAT a fucking tool.
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  34. Maybe he'll dole out a little vigilante justice toward the refs, if you know what I mean......


    #analrape
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  36. I always crank up the game really loud, and then get pissed off when the commercials are that much more annoying. Sometimes I think I'm borderline legally retarded.
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  37. So I'm missing the game right now. This licks anus. Damn ppl and their damn birthdays. Booze is ok tho.
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  38. You're not missing much so far. JDD is having the game of his career so far. The Oilers haven't completely shit the bed yet.
    Both teams looked kind of lackluster in the first.
    Still 0-0.
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  39. Thank fuck you didn't say "shat the bed". What the shit is with that anyways?

    Here in Canada, we say "shit the bed". Period.
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  40. Anyone who says shat is an annoying cunt. One of my friends says it all the time because his dad is from Ireland, so he figures he's European even though he was born in BC and his mom is Canadian. Needless to say he says and does a lot of things that annoy the hell out of me.
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  41. Your friend probably wears white shoes, monogrammed jeans and pops his collars.

    Hey! THERE'S THE ALL ACCESS CAMERA!!!!
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  42. FUCKING OILERS FUCKING HOCKEY!!!


    FUCK!!!!
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  43. Thankfully he's not like Spanish or some kind of Asian or something and he dresses normal for the most part. Although when he wears button up shirts he only does up like 4 buttons and leaves the top ridiculously wide open.

    HOLY SHIT THE HORCOFF LINE SCORED AGAINST THE OVECHKIN LINE????
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  44. They play this Irish jig crap whenever a fight breaks out at RX1. Kinda takes the hard-core edge out of fighting.

    What? HORCOFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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  45. Jesus Christ look at that puck rolling and bouncing. Didn't Rexall have the greatest ice in the history of ice not that long ago? What the fuck happened? I bet LaForge is behind this so he can get his god damn new arena!
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  46. I miss you retards. I have a house full of family right now for the first of fucking 4 Christmas dinners. I ditched out to "Download Christmas music".

    No hockey for Poo Czar. No funs. More booze? Yes. NOW.
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  47. POOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CZAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
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  49. Anyone else extremely surprised that O'Sullivan couldn't score on a break away?

    And Poo Czar; fuck your family.
    Seriously, it makes Christmas WAY more fun.

    *scratches his 3rd ear on the back of his head*
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  50. I jerked off into my hand and threw in into my Grandmothers face while she was eating dessert - does that count?
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  51. The ice at Rexall has sucked for a while now. Its a god damn travesty. But like you said, I think they leave it that way to pump the new arena.

    #dirtypool
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  52. Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

    That's the kind of scene I picture going down at the Poo Czar house right now. A bunch of overweight trailer trash just givener and throwing food at jizz and shit at each other. It sounds amazing!
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  53. ps. - Am I the only one who's brother might be legally retarded? And it hasn't been properly diagnosed despite his being 33 goddamn years old??? FUCK.

    Yeah man, let's please hear more about how sweaty your fucking feet are and how it reduces sock options. This is riveting.
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  54. hhahahahahahahahaha. It's times like these I'm glad I don't have a big family. But also makes me sad I don't have a big family. Hmmmm.
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  55. Fuck me, now we have to deal with Kevin Weekes saying thecaptainethanmoreau?

    haha when I was typing that it first came out as "fuck men". Just a harmless slip right? Nothing I should be worried about right?
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  56. Sweet. Told Grandma I'd get her a bus ticket online. Bought me 5 more minutes away from those retards!

    Highlight so far: Showing grandma trip photos from Thailand, Vietnam and Bali, she says "What are you eating there? Chink food?"

    ps. She LOOOOVVVEEESSS Jesus.
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  57. Hockey game any good? I goddamn love OV. It kills me to be missing this game. Instead? Family playing Cranium!!!

    Fuck My Life...
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  58. hahaha. Now I wish I didn't find Asian food insanely disgusting, so I could start calling it chink food all the time.

    Isn't it sweet that the most devout, church going people are usually the biggest racists of them all?
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  59. Ovie's been a non factor so far. They tried to pump his tires by showing some kind of non existent head fake he apparently made before he made a pass.
    The real story tonight is JDD! Welcome to the league guy!
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  60. Semin Vs Gilbert is a fight I'd pay to see!
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  61. I played the "O Brother Where Are't Thou" Soundtrack for her once. Her response? "Oh! Nigger music! I really like this Nigger music!" while clapping gleefully, not knowing anything untoward had been said...
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  62. "Chink food." Classic.

    THIS is why JSBM is an island of sanity in an insane world.
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  64. Gotta go. Bye Kids! I might drunkenly post later. Hugs and Jugs!
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  65. CBC is turning this whole fucking game into an Ovechkin highlight reel.
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  66. Fuck I hate these fags jumping on the Caps bandwagon within the last couple years. Fuck those guys.
    If you're from DC then it's acceptable. But anyone else is just a fucktard.

    I love Ovie but I would never rock a Caps jersey. Especially against the Oilers.
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  67. Well it's either him or Crosby, and Crosby already played. Or if some young kid is playing his first game in Toronto, because apperentely every Canadian kid grew up a die hard Leaf fan and the only thing they've ever wanted to do was play in the ACC.
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  68. FUCK YOU O'SULLIVAN YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE!
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  69. Jason Strudwick gets that open puck O'Sully had and its buried.
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  70. HOLY SHIT THE COWBOYS HELD ON FOR THE WIN!!!
    BEST SATURDAY IN A WHILE!

    Even an Oilers loss isn't going to tarnish this night!
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  71. Jesus Christ O'Sullivan looks like he should be playing mens league. I hear the Legal Vipers could use a winger.
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  73. Ha ha! COGLIANOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
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  74. Its gut check time boys!!!!!
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  75. I guess the refs got a memo from the league before the game to give the Caps carte blanche.
    Can't even buy a power play! Although it's probably better we haven't had one.
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  76. You know, I just don't fucking get it. We're in this game after playing like total douchebags two nights ago. This team must drive Pat Quinn fucking insane.
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  77. Cogliano is a MONSTER out there!
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  78. He's definitely losing more years off his life than normal coaching these poor saps.

    Alright. A two goal lead going into the third. There's no way they can fuck this up!
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  79. JEANSHORTS! Ix nay on the "can't fuck this up" ay.
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  81. What the fuck is a skin tag? That looks so fucked up.
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  82. My god PJ Stock is craptaculous.
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  83. OK. Know what? Let's can the skin tag talk.

    That is all.
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  84. haha sorry, they just keep playing that commercial and that mom has some kind of nasty egg pod hanging from her neck. I've never heard of a skin tag until those commercials.

    And PJ Stock is slowly starting to grow on me more and more every week. He still can't rattle off highlights to save his life, but he's kind of like that retarded kid you let hang around with you and your friends so you feel like less of an asshole. Just keep patting him on the head and he's happy.
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  85. Just watch. Dakin will bust in here just after the last whistle with some lame story about how he had to drive Christmas gifts to homeless people or some shit.

    #pussywhipped
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  86. It is true that PJ comes across like a guy you'd want to have a beer with. ONE BEER.
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  87. hahaha. Fucking hippie.

    Actually I think he's at the game? Maybe I'm just fucked up, but I think that's where he is.
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  89. Although if you crushed a flat with PJ he'd probably start to become more and more hilarious. That is if he's anything like me when I get drunk and start slurring badly and talking fast, and loud. Imagine trying to figure out what he's saying!
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  90. Oh weird Alex Ovechkin scored a goal. Huh.
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  91. JDD should have had that one. Fuck.
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  92. And none of the other 5 Oilers on the ice thought anything of picking up the best hockey player in the league as he stands by himself at the side of the net.
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  93. To be fair, Ovechkin went, what, 40 minutes without a point?

    He was due.
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  94. Ha ha! POWERPLAAAAAAYYYYYY!

    You have been served!
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  95. Holy shit the Oilers get a powerplay!

    I would love to go back to the 80's and be like "Yeah, there's going to be this kid named Ovechkin, and he's going to put up almost 50 goals a season!" and then have whoever I'm talking to spit beer in my face as they laugh and tell me about some guy named Gretzky who has scored at least 70 goals 4 seasons in a row.
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  96. Jesus Nilsson dials in those cross ice passes!
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  97. Well they got a couple shots on goal on that PP. That's an improvement.
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  98. Jesus Christ. That was a goal. Fuck. I guess this Russian guy is some kind of gamebreaker huh?
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  99. Fucking O'Sullivan. Shoots instead of passing. He caused that Caps breakout-goal. FUCK!
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  101. ITS A GOD DAMN GIVE-AWAY FEST!!!!!!!
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  102. To be fair, the Oilers had very few scoring chance causing giveaways during the first 40. So, I mean, they were due at some point right?
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  103. It's so god damn stupid. The refs are so worried about missing a call that they call anything even remotely resembling a penalty. Guy goes down when your stick is somewhere within 10 feet of him? Obviously a trip and or hook.
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  104. Wait, is there no challenge rule in the NHL anymore? You can't get them to review yet another garbage call?
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  106. I'm not one for conspiracy theories, especially involving the corruption of pro sports. But come the fuck on man. There is no way the refs are calling an even game here. Hottest team in the NHL losing to a basement dweller? Might as well even it up right?
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  108. STEVE STAIOS????? What a PK for that old piece of shit!
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  109. Holy shit!

    If nothing else, this is one fuck of a game!
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  110. This shit picked up real fast huh? Hopefully they can keep the pace up.
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  111. And BTW. I AM one for conspiracy theories.
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  112. I'm only down for a few:
    9/11 being an inside job.
    Some weird shit going down in Roswell.
    And Tupac still being alive.

    But that's about it.
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  113. Its fucking dead at ON. Good thing too because this BCB could be construed as somewhat, shall we say...gay.
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  114. Yeah it's been pretty weak at both places for a couple weeks.
    I'm not going to lie, when I go back to Alberta on Monday I can't really see myself being around here too much. But we'll see. I've got a lot of drinking to catch up on.

    FUCK. Well. It was bound to come sooner or later.
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  115. Buildings don't collapse all so neat like that on their own. It was a pro demolition job. No doubt.

    Aaaannnd there's the high hard one on JDD.
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  116. Quick whistle. Good god man. Can you be any more obvious refs?
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  117. Jesus fuck that was the quickest whistle I've ever seen.
    Okay, I'm buying into the kool-aid. The refs are firmly on the Caps side tonight.
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  118. Reffing is fucking brutal.
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  119. Why the fuck is O'Sullivan on the PP?
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  120. So, here I am, watching the Oilers run around their own end looking like those kids who play during the intermission, and I'm thinking to myself "Well, this isn't going to end good". And 20 seconds later Backstroms got himself a shiney goal. Fuck. FUCK YOU OILERS.

    The DFF is on!
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  121. There it is. Another blown lead. Jesus titty fucking christ.
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  122. *hangs head in defeat*

    Yeah. You might be right about that whole "DFF" thing.

    *sighs*
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  123. Must be nice to have a guy like Ovechkin on your team. Wonder what that's like, knowing you'll more than likely win the game.
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  124. Like I said, I would love if they won every game from now until the playoffs, but it's shit like this that makes them a non playoff team. I mean the Caps are sick, but the Oilers had this game won and once again shit themselves out of it.
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  125. Two REALLY solid periods against one of the hottest teams in the league. But we don't have an answer for guys like Ovechkin though. Until we get a game breaker, it'll end up like this more often than not.

    I hate to say it, but that game breaker isn't gonna come in the draft. Even if he did, it would be two or three years before he matured enough to make a go of it.

    Face it. We're fucked.

    Time to get cleaned up and hit the bar. Later fucko!
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  127. Oilers blow a lead and I had to hear about my mother's "infected nipple". Now I'm drunk. FUUUUCCCKKK...
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  128. 127 fucking comments? God damn.

    I had a skin tag on my shaft. I cut it off with a nail clipper. Have you ever had a cut on your dick? Every time you get a boner you fucking rip that cut open again. It's like getting a cut in your mouth. It never heals because you keep fucking with it.


    So gentlemen, I am finalizing my plan to come down for the 28th. Can I get a head count for the party? Who is in? I am avoiding family "get togethers" for this so I'd like it if there were a few of you fuckos there.
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  129. "It never heals because you keep fucking with it."

    Ah-hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

    Nice of you to make a cameo appearance mister "I write for a cool internet site". Were you at the game?
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