Wait Just a God Damn Minute...

Yeah... That's right. I'm talking to all of you out there that are doubting me. I was enjoying a Megan Fox Thursday, and then all of a sudden you poo pirates are calling out your old pal baggedmilk. Well, here I am, in Malaysia, and it's story time.

Yeah I know, I've been lazy again. Well let me tell you why. I've been dealing with a group of Irish cunts that have caused nothing but drama on the island known as Phi Phi, and it's been a fucking pain in the ass. So what did I do? Me and the Australian love queen, took off to Phuket, then to Malaysia for our Visa run. Does that mean I don't have stories to share? No. It doesn't.

Now let us begin...

Story 1: The Air Asia Projectile Vomit

Firstly, I will start with a story about one of my bosses from the bar. Let me begin by telling you all that he is one of the weirdest/most sexual adventurous people I've ever heard of in the entire world. He calls me over the other night and says it's story time. When this guy tells me it's story time, I run over, because I know it's going to be hilarious.

I don't know how many of you have flown with Air Asia, but it's kind of like West Jet. Although, unlike West Jet, lady boys often find themselves on the flights along with you. My boss was settling into a relaxing flight to Hong Kong, when a lady boy propped down beside him. As he was dozing off into slumber she started undoing his pants. "Hello there, gentle butterfly" he might have uttered.

Naturally, he allows this half man, half woman, big titted super tranny to start sucking his cock right there on the flight. Nice. Unfortunately, she started giving the nosh a little bit too late, and the plane was making its descent. As the plane touched down, cock still in mouth, the jerk of the tires caused the lady boy to ram her throat down on the dick, and induce vomiting all over the passengers in front. The result? Six month ban from all Air Asia flights. Awesome.

Story 2: Die Hippie, Die

Four days ago in the bar, I was rat assed drunk with my other boss. Before we begin, I must tell you that this fine specimen of a human being is the personification of Eric Cartman. An absolute legend in fact. He will say anything that comes to his mind, and absolutely despises hippies. For anyone that has been to Thailand before, they will know that hippies are in abundance, all over the country. Let us continue.

As I mentioned before, I was shit faced with my boss standing outside the bar. Right beside Tiger Bar is a restaurant called Papaya. Anyone that comes to Phi Phi will generally eat here at least once. However, on this evening, there were four Spanish Hippies, decked out in dreadlocks and fisherman pants sitting behind heaping plates of Pad Thai. If there is one thing my boss hates more than hippies, it's Spanish hippies. (Why? I don't know, but he would like to bomb Spain off the map)

Seeing as my boss had drunk and entire bottle of Jack, he thought it would be a good idea to start hissing at the hippies. At first they ignored him, but when the hissing didn't stop they turned to see what was going on. This temporary lack in judgment, and simple action of turning around, resulted in a barrage of ice being thrown at them. As they pleaded for the drunk Welshman to stop throwing ice at them, he agreed and actually apologized. Ah, peace at last...

Not really. Not only did my boss threaten to fire me if I didn't help him assault the hippies, I volunteered as though it wasn't even an issue. We began throwing chopsticks, ice, and what was left of their water all over the four confused Spaniards. My God, it was hilarious. As they ran out of the restaurant, the Canadian/Welsh combo chased after them. My boss yells to them, "We're throwing water on you for your own good, you dirty fucking hippies."

Eventually we gave up the chase, returned to the bar and smoked a massive cannon of a joint. The next day, the hippies were on the first boat off of Phi Phi. How do I know this? That very same Welshman was on the same boat to Phuket, picking up supplies for the bar. My phone rings as he stood beside them, "Bagged, listen to this." I wait patiently. "Did it feel good to have a shower for the first time, you dirty fucking hippies? We did it out of love. Love of showers, and hate of hippies. Enjoy your trip you faggots."

Unbelievable and amazingly funny, all at the same time.

Story 3: The Potato Toss Out

I have a friend on the island that is known as one of the biggest sex pests around. For the past month or so, he has been fucking one of the annoying Irish girls I mentioned previously. However, what she believes to be a monogamous relationship is not. Three weeks ago, a group of Dutch girls arrived on the island, one of whom was picking up what my friend was putting down. They exchanged numbers, and made plans to get together later in the evening.

One thing you must know, is that the Irish cunt works at a bar as well. However, she finishes at 2am, whereas we're all done at midnight. Twelve o'clock rolls around, and my friend is off to his room with the mayonnaise loving Dutch girl. They have sex that could be heard from down the road. The girl was a screamer. We're talking ass to mouth, back to ass and over again. How do I know? He filmed it, obviously.

Let's move on... 2am rolls around and the thick Irish cunt, strolls on over to my buddy's room. The Dutch princess had been gone about half an hour now, and he hadn't had time to shower. Knock on the door... Now, maybe some of us would have made excuses to try and cover having anal sex with some random chick, when they knew another girl was showing up, or at least showered. Not my friend. Oh no. What did he do?

He grabbed this Irish girl by the hair, and rammed her face down on his shit covered cock. Made her suck him off until he shot liquid love through the roof of her skull, and then kicked her out so that he go to sleep. She asked him if he would consider returning the favour for her, but he declined. His answer was simple, really. "Listen here, I don't crave potatoes everyday, like you Irish cunts. Get the fuck out of here and let me watch this movie."

Awesome.

You see my friends, I have not forgotten you all, I've just been busy/lazy. Believe me, as more stories come along I will share them with you. With love, and with detail.

Keep fit, and have fun.

-baggedmilk