Righteous Sack Beating - Oct. 27, 2009

So I'm a little late on the draw here (story of my life) but fuck you guys. FUCK YOU GUY! I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. Please keep reading, clicking on the banner ads and buying our amazing shirts. Last week I kind of had to scour the bottom of the barrel to come up with something to write about. Not so much this week. Between the ever horrible talking heads passed off as "experts" on TV and egregious jersey designs my nuts were trembling with anticipation. Without further ado here's a beating, for that sack, which will no doubt be righteous.


Sack Beating to the Sportsnet hockey panel, and those anti-fighting homos in general. Much was made about the incredible hit Willie Mitchell laid to Johnny Toews. Any time an incident like this happens you're guaranteed to hear two things from sports journalists. Something about hits to the head, and "I still don't understand why there has to be a fight after every big hit". Now granted sometimes even I think it's a little ridiculous when it happens after every hit. If a Ryan Stone or a Danielle Carcillco get rocked there should be no reason for someone to come to their aid. But when a guy like Toews, a franchise player, a cornerstone of the Blackhawks organization gets crushed you bet your fucking boots that someone is going to have to pay the price. If they don't then that sets a dangerous precedent for every other team in the league. Everyone would know that they could destroy Toews all night and wouldn't have to answer the bell. And the Blackhawks can't be having that. I can't believe this was the first time I actually wanted Nick Kypreos to be on TV so he could knock some sense into fucking Doug MacLean. Why is that asshole still even on TV? He annoying, he seems insanely out of touch with what the fuck happens in a hockey game and he's just all around garbage. There's a reason there's fighting in hockey and this is one of the main ones. Sack Beating to the Sportsnet panel which is easily the worst collection of "experts" on TV, and their pussy stance on fighting.

Sack Beating to whoever the fuck it was in the Kingston Frontenac's front office who thought it would be a great idea to make the team wear Don Cherry themed jersey's. It sounds like a fun idea on paper, and it was for a great cause, but fuck look at these atrocious pieces of shit. They make the Dallas Stars uterus logo look like the fucking New York Yankees uniform. The OHL, and CHL in general is supposed to be the elite league for Junior players all over the world. Keep this gimmicky bullshit in the ECHL or other semi-pro leagues that rely on that type of shit to keep people interested. Just let these kids play hockey and not have to suffer the indignity of being photographed in the worst jersey's of all time. It can't be good for their self esteem.

And finally, Sack Beating to shitty Canuck fans. I could literally do this every day. So you beat the Toronto Maple Leafs. Whoopie! That's like doing better on a math test than a kid with down syndrome. You guys like to run over puppies and challenge people in wheelchairs to field goal kicking contests too? Bragging about beating a winless team is like bragging about scoring with a blind paraplegic chick. Where's the challenge? And the hilarious irony in all of this is the only reason the Canucks won was, stop me if you've heard this one before, the stellar play of Roberto Luongo. The Canucks scored 2 goals while on what seemed to be a 14 minute long power play and an empty netter, which they missed 3 times. Outside of that they were outplayed, outshot, out hit, out everything. The hapless Leafs could just not buy a break. Sure it was a win on paper, and 2 points is 2 points no matter how it comes, but there is no way Vancouver fans should be this over the top ecstatic. By all rights they didn't deserve to win and if I was them I'd be a little more than worried about the teams inability to score 5 on 5 and the fact that they have absolutely no secondary scoring.
I guess I can't really blame Canuck fans. If I cheered for a team with absolutely no history, heritage, identity, hall of famers, championships, etc, I'd probably be really insecure too. So go forth Canuck fans, and spew your vitriol all over the internet. The only place where you can truly feel like a man because you can cheer for the team without anyone knowing who the fuck you are, just the way you like it. By the way I hear they're extending the green on the 14th hole at Point Grey Country Club. It should be ready by March, just in time for your team to get beat out in the first round. Fuck you.

-jeanshorts