Bonsignore Citizens Brigade: Blue Jackets @ Oilers

So the mighty Oilers are apparently not feeling so mighty today. Damn flu. I feel great though. I got the flu shot the other day and while I wait for that juice to kick in and protect my ass, I get to try to avoid any contact with as many people as possible. Which is good because I don’t like most people anyway.

I read that they are just starting to give the players the flu shot now…. Why? Why weren’t they given it when it became available at the beginning of the month? Was there a shortage or something? Did they want to make sure there was enough for people like me? Well that is awfully courteous of them but you know what? I don’t mind getting sick once a year. I get to stay home on the couch and sleep for days all the while being pampered like a child. It’s kind of a mini vacation. Yeah I feel like shit but I don’t have to be at work! All that sitting around would go to waste if I didn’t have my Oilers to watch. If these guys miss work because they are sick then I may as well be at work for fuck sakes. Next year, do me a favour and give my shot to Ales Hemsky first. When he plays like he’s been playing I feel like shit anyway. I mean sick to my stomach. But if I was sick because he got the shot before me and he was playing the way he can when he is healthy, then I’d probably get healthy real quick too. I’d be up jumping off the couch and slamming beers in record time.

I guess they have to make the best of a bad situation… The boys are playing the Blue Jackets tonight. So when Ladi Smid is protecting the wall from the likes of Rick Nash, I don’t want to see a solid open ice hit or even a kick to the pills. No, I want to see Smid “Hakan Loob” right in Nash’s face. Every time he comes within 180 ft of the Oilers zone I want to see Smid right in his face coughing and puking away. That goes for all of you sick Oilers. If Brule can’t play then I want him up in the press box making the rounds past the Jackets box and go up to Scott Howson and lick him right in the eye. I’m talking tongue to retina so he can fuck up all the other players on the flight back home. Infect these guys so that shit starts spreading around the league. If every team gets hit hard then maybe the Oilers can squeeze a few of those extra points in October and November that they always seem to be short of in April. Fucking germ warfare.

This is a call to all the sick ladies of Edmonton. Do your part too. When the visiting team inevitably comes calling on you for their customary road ass after the game, feel free to bare back it. Skin on skin. Deep throat whichever player is cramming you (or whichever guy somehow convinced you he was a 12th rd draft pick of the CBJ’s… This is a true story actually.) and then spit it right back in his face. Take one for the team… literally.

Me, I’m too far away to have that kind of positive impact on the team so I will lay on the couch by myself tonight in the dark. Away from anybody with any known communicable disease (fucking beauty of talking to you sick fucks online) and cheer on this shell of a team I call the Oilers. Hopefully a few of you will join me here. But I swear to fuck if I see any of the guys cheering and hugging each other after they score a goal, I am going to freak the fuck out. I don’t want these guys passing that shit around to each other anymore. They have Hemsky on a line with Penner tonight. Fucking perfect. Give the best player right now the disease. Fuck it, lets be positive Travis….. Maybe playing with Penner will wake Hemsky the fuck up. Come on dangles… make my balls quiver. It’s game day.