Today is easily the greatest day I've had in a long time. Not only is it Rusty's Birthday, NHL 10 day, Big Brother finale night and the unofficial start to the 2009-2010 Edmonton Oilers hockey season, but we get to officially unveil a new chapter in JSBM history. After months of heated debate, jockeying for power, hysterical crying, hate filled masturbation, begging, makeup sex, and gentlemanly handshakes we finally came to an agreement to bring in yet another writer to bolster our arsenal. So without further ado, feast your eyes on the inaugural post from the man, the myth, the long balled legend, Travis Dakin:
Today is Rusty’s birthday. He’s old now. Currently he is at the Insurance company to ensure that they recognize his new status as a “good driver due to age” and cut him some slack on the premiums. Hello beer money. Happy birthday buddy. I passed the magical quarter century mark a few years ago and I am now approaching the dreaded Three Oh shit. I’ve begun searching the internet for nut bag reduction procedures. Why you might ask? Because my balls now hang lower than my dick. It’s bad. Fucking optical illusions. I keep my shit trimmed for the added optical inch (and pure sexiness) but now gravity and age are taking that illusion away from me. When I lay down on my back in bed I can feel my balls hanging down and touching my ass cheeks. That’s a weird feeling. I was taking a healthy shit and a rather large log broke off, fell forward and rested up against my dangling nuts. You know when you flush a toilet and the water rises a little before disappearing into the underworld? I have to stand to flush now because I’m fully capable of tea bagging the toilet bowl.
Growing old sucks my friends. This next birthday will be when I have to switch over to the number candles on my cake to reduce a fire hazard. It’s depressing. The saddest day of my life was when I drove by my old high school during recess. I looked at all the girls walking around and it hit me…. I’m too old for even the oldest girl in this school.
There is a formula that I like to use. Your age divided by 2 and add 7. This is the absolute youngest you can go without being a creep. Oh by all means, it’s perfectly acceptable to be a creep but just don’t expect to keep your dignity.
Let’s try me…. We’ll round up to 30 for simple math sake. 30/2 = 15 Now add seven to that and we have 22.
Well now lets try the good Admiral Rusty…..
25/2= 12.5 now add seven onto 12.5 and we have 19.5
See that Rusty? I just wanted to let you know that you should enjoy the last grasps at teen loving while you can. After that it’s all Cougar hunting. But the good news is that you are now old enough to actually know what to do with your dick. Wave that wand mightily old friend. Go forth and prosper. I mentioned this before but, wouldn’t it be awesome to be able to go back in time with your new found powers and right all the wrongs you did when you were “in the minors?” (Pun totally fucking intended!!!!)
So everyone try punching their own numbers into the calculation and see what you think.
In the mean time I am going to continue drinking to you Rusty, while I wait patiently for my copy of NHL 10 to arrive (I’m on XBOX 360 if you want to bangle) and for the start of another fucking glorious season in Oil country. It’s game day bitches. The most wonderful time of the year.
-Travis
Hahahaha....fuck....another annoyance of old balldom is when you get into a vehicle and slide up/down into the seat and you roll over a nut. That never used to happen to me until I hit 30.
ReplyDeleteGlad to have you aboard, Mr. Dakin.
@JS...he better not be getting more than the Denny's coupons you're paying me.
Congratulations on your new gig here Travis, and on your long balls (I use tape to hold mine in place). I like that formula - seems to work for the numbers I plunked in. And it will save me from using the system of complex algorthms I had been using. Stupid algorithms. Anyway, look forward to reading more from you.
ReplyDeleteThe Menace (now anonymous)
Congrats Dakin!
ReplyDeleteI drive past a high school everyday on the way to work. I know exactly where you are coming from.
Have a happy day @ the rippers Rusty.
This is the single greatest day of 2009 by far. Not only have I been getting love all day from all walks of life, I now realize my balls are hanging properly for a man of my age. I did not realize that in 5 short years my nuts would be hanging from the bottom of my shorts.
ReplyDeleteThank you, kind Dakin, for opening my eyes and reaffirming that it's all down hill from here.
19.5 eh? I better get to work... QUICK!
Many thanks to you all for the kind words. I just checked my fellas and they seem to be hanging just fine. The clock is ticking!
My balls stopped dangling post-marriage when I was effectively neutered. I still get an hour-long visitation on my birthday, where I place them firmly in my hand down my pants and watch TV in the dark like a man is supposed to.
ReplyDelete'Bout time you started writing articles Dakin! You were my #1 draft pick when JSBM announced they were too fucking lazy to bring thier own content often enough (where's the updates BM?!?) and requested reader submissions. Well done Sir!
And Happy Birthday Rusty you fucking sick Giant! I hope the internets provide you even more boobs than usual on this most glorious of days!
Congrats Dakin, hope you are getting paid!
ReplyDeleteGentlemen, I am a creep. Age of consent baby. I cried when it went up to 16.
Nice one Travis! I figured you were the new call-up. Looking forward to the Dakin Chronicles.
ReplyDeleteNow if we could only get BM to check in once and a while to add some stories, JSBM would be well served. Doesn't he know you guys have advertisers now?
Think it's bad now, wait to you actually hit 3-0. They fucking drop overnight I tell you. As Towel Boy mentioned, your car seat is a god damn damgerous place, it should come with a warning label: ">30, grab nuts before entering".
ReplyDeleteAnyways, congrats on the promotion. Look forward to reading more detailed insight such as this in the future.