A couple days ago we had one of the most epic threads that this website has ever seen. Yeah the BCBs are always fun, but fuck was it funny to read the stories of a misspent youth. There was everything from wood burning kits, to Indian slapping mops antics, to getting pulled on a GT behind a quad. Then our friend Greg went completely off the rails and threw in a story about getting caught knuckle deep inside some kind of home made dream machine made out of old box springs. As we went on with the ridiculousness stories were being ended with having a finger tossed inside the gaping mah of a young lass."Tell stories of sexual misadventures." Captain Anonymous bellowed.
Ask and you will receive, El Capitane. The more I thought about it, the funnier I thought the whole thing would be. Everyone has a story or two where things went off the rails. Hell, as I'm writing this I can think of at least a few times I went ah shit that didn't just happen. Like the time my once upon a time said, "don't fire off in my mouth" and I replied with "I'll surprise you." That right there is romance if I've ever heard it in my life.
Look I don't care if this becomes some kind of sexual bragging contest either. I don't remember who said it but they said on their 19th they stuck it in 3 different oyster ditches the sum of which would equal an 8. I love that shit, and know you all have some stories to tell. So here we are, fellas and femmes it's the first edition of 'Sexual Adventures of a Misguided Youth' only at JSBM. I mean really, if we're not going to talk about boning, what else is there to talk about?
-baggedmilk
You can't just post pictures like that and expect me not to burn my breakfast because I'm too busy jacking off! Looks like my penis is going to make me late for work, again.
ReplyDelete-js
Wow those two girls have some big fine titties.
ReplyDeleteI guess my worst story would have to be the first time a girl performed oral on me. There was no delay, it was like she sucked some milkshake out of a straw.
Why the fuck can't I see the picture? Damn you work computer.
ReplyDeleteOh right a story. I came on my girlfriend's dog once. LOL
ReplyDeleteThere's more... going to a meeting. Will reveal all later.
Well I am going to bed now. Is it wrong that I'm excited to wake up to a story about Xavier giving a dog a pearl necklace?
ReplyDelete3 words - Grandmother, Daughter, Granddaughter (same family, different times).
ReplyDeleteIs it wrong that I'm excited by Dakin's exitement about the aformentioned sperm-covered dog?
ReplyDeleteMmmmm... I will never forget the first time I had a Turkish Snowcone!
ReplyDeleteI don't really have anything too crazy. But this one time on New Years I made out with a girl like 30 seconds after she threw up all over the road. Who says chivalry is dead?
ReplyDelete-js
Ok I'm back. The dog story goes like this. Me and the old lady were going at it and I was about to fire off onto her tits. Nice. What went wrong was the exchange, and left foot/leg slipped off the bed and I ended up blowing my entire load all over her dog Benji. The poor guy took it like a champion though. I love that dog.
ReplyDelete@ X
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHAHHAA Oh fuck man that is the best thing I've ever read.
@ X
ReplyDeleteDude you're freak. Your sick ass loved that shit too didn't you. Probably did some kind of cheer after.
-bm
@ Greg
ReplyDeleteI want to know how you nailed every chick in a family.
-bm
I was in a threesome when I was 18 (calm down boys) and the other girl snowballed me. It was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. I'm still haunted. lmao
ReplyDeleteBBBBOOOONNNNEEEERRRRR!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for making my day extra special Carmen.
My undying love for you is now cemented.
-js
I'm sorry to say this but I don't know what it means to be "snowballed." Please explain, Carmen.
ReplyDelete@js
ReplyDeleteGrandmother made move on me, I complied. Grandmother set me up with the daughter. Grandaughter, I arranged myself!
Ah my dear raven,
ReplyDeleteSnowballing means that the dirty little boy blew his wad in my friends mouth and she spit it back into mine. Ick... lmao
Snowballed - When a guy comes in someones mouth and that someone kisses another person transferring the come at the same time they are kissing.
ReplyDeleteWait, did she like sneak attack you? Hold you down and spit in your mouth like we used to do when we were kids? Or were you down for it at first, and then when it actually happened you realized you made a terrible mistake?
ReplyDelete-js
@Carmen
ReplyDeleteShe kissed a girl, and didn't like it (that time) LOL!
@Carmen
ReplyDeleteYou don't like Chinese food? Special is Cream of Some Young Guy.
All three definitions on Urban Dictionary explain it as a girl spitting the jizz back into a guys mouth. That's some disgusting shit. I'll take my girl on girl porno snowballing thank you very much.
ReplyDelete-js
HELLOOOOO
ReplyDeleteI go to bed super excited about a dog getting the squishy surprise and I wake up to a disgusting story about Carmen in a threesome. This site is becoming a joke. Smarten the fuck up. God dammit people, there is a line.
ReplyDeleteI picked up this chick at a bar on Whyte, her boyfriend drove up as I was trying to take her home. Me thinking "oh shit, run, im dead". She offered me a ride in buddies truck. Well while in buddies truck she offered up an explanation of "well we are just going to go watch some TV" to which the guys response was "Okay whatever you want" He drops us off, I bang her, the irony of her boyfriend driving me and his girlfriend back to my place.....priceless.
ReplyDeleteIm going to guess Carmen is really a guy in disguise. No girl of any kind of sanity, looks, or availability would tell that story.
ReplyDelete@ GP
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking Carmen is a dude too. Snowballing? That's a guy term.
@ TD
Don't act like you don't love it.
-bm
Travis,
ReplyDeleteYou can't be serious?
Jason,
ReplyDeleteDon't be stupid, TD, loves it.
Fuck those stories are gold. Here is one of many from my past...
ReplyDeleteI was 18, out at a club and had been dancing/making out with this 7 all night. We had already made plans to go back to my place, when...an insanely hot cougar prys her way in between us on the dance floor and starts humping my leg. My on-looking buddies said it was priceless because I stopped dancing, took a step back, slowly eye'd each of the girls from head to toe, looked at the 7 and gaver the old shoulder shrug, and proceeded to grab the cougar and start grinding.
Fast forward to her place, and we dont even make it to her bedroom and start fucking on her living room floor. I have her bent over when she pulls a pillow from the couch and covers her mouth. I ask her why she is covering her mouth, she responds "I dont want to wake my kids" I then look up, and on the end table right in front of my eyes is a very large picture of the cougar, two kids, and a man looking right at me. I dismiss the man in the pic, thinking that it must be an ex-husband and do what anyone would do in this situation and turn the picture over so I wasnt being watched and finished my business. After a few more rounds she then says to me, "you better get going, my husband gets off work at 7"..... BYEBYE
Then the very next night took home a 16 year old '10' that was a new cashier at my work. 32 years old to 16 years old in less than 24 hours. Gotta love diversity.
__DrPow__
I thought of another one that I have to add. Not so much a sexual adventure but a misfortune for my friend.
ReplyDeleteMe and my girlfriend (now my wife) were at a party at a friends house that backed onto the local golf course. We sneak away and proceed to bang genitles on the 10th green. My roomate at the time was a serious golfer and was always the first one out on the course in the mornings before he went to work, so i thought I would leave him a surprise. After me and the gf were finished, I left the used condom, as inside-out as I could get it, in the cup for him to find the next morning.
Sure as shit, he comes in the house the next day and I ask what he shot, he says something to the effect of, "75! I was three under going to the back nine, but when I reached in to get my ball on the 10th, I grabbed a used condom! There was sperm everywhere! I couldnt get it off my hands, it got on my grips, it was everywhere!!! I was rattled after that" I then proceeded to laugh for the next 2 years.
__DrPow__